Finding purpose in the past... and moving forward

This week was still rough… but I had a better perspective. So it wasn’t nearly as bad as last week. Monday the Lord answered my prayers for a massive storm. I had prayed last Thursday for a storm… and, in my mind, asked for one big enough that the leaves and perhaps branches would fall of the trees. I was envisioning the massive windy thunderstorms of the Midwest – I feel safer and more loved in the middle of a thunderstorm than almost anywhere else. I know it’s strange to you. But not to me. It had rained the days prior, and leaves had fallen off of some of the trees, but on Monday we had a massive, wet snowstorm. Inches of snow piled up on the roads, cars, trees, and buildings. And, as I drove into Provo, I saw and heard branches cracking and breaking – falling off of trees that, the day before, had looked amazing. Road cleanup crews had truck beds full of tree branches… and there were definitely plenty of leaves that had been stripped from the trees as well. As I looked around me, I felt a wave of awe. The Lord had answered my prayer. Looking back, I’m not sure if the Lord told me what to pray for, or if He simply answered the desires of my heart. I’m not sure that there is much of a difference. Either way, I knew that He loved me and was willing to show it.

The storm wasn’t without its down spots, though. Along with breaking thousands of tree branches, the thick slush clogged the drain outside our storage unit. I hadn’t been there for weeks, but went on Monday to search for a library book. As I entered, my heart sank in the half inch of water that lay on the ground. Everything was sopping wet. I just left. The reason why I put my stuff in a storage unit was to keep it safe and ensure that I would never have to move it until I found a more permanent home for it. Thankfully, when I came back Tuesday, most of the water was dried up (whether from the company or draining or evaporation I don’t know). I pulled out my sopping library books and returned them to the library. Thankfully BYU has a book restoration department.

The rest of the week was up and down. Monday I recorded a song with a friend from the MTC; it’s based on a talk that Elder Holland gave in General Conference and he’d like to give it to Elder Holland next month. We had recorded it once as a gospel/country song and the feedback from others was to make it more like a hymn. It sounds much more like a hymn now. Wednesday I picked up my car – the coolant thermostat, which activates the radiator fans, had gone out. But, later that day, the “Service Engine Soon” light came back on. I got the code checked – “System too lean.” It’s either a broken oxygen sensor, a clogged fuel filter, or something else. I’m going to try to replace the mass air flow sensor since that seems to be a problem with my car from online forums… and since right now my car won’t even start. And I don’t feel very useful at work. My bosses like having me in the office so that if something goes wrong or comes up, I can do it. One of them called me a ‘security blanket’ for the team. That’s sort of how I feel – when you’re cold, I’m really good at fixing the problem. Otherwise, I have very little to do that seems meaningful.

And then Sunday rolled around, with Church, choir, and the Lord yet again helping me to feel His love. I don’t know how to accurately express the feelings I have right now. Maybe a mix of awe, frustration, sorrow, faith, joy, and peace. Driving home I watched the sun go down along the mountains… and it was beautiful. I knew that God loved me. It was one of those moments where I remembered that I am a child of God – and that God created this world to enable me to come closer to Him. But it went further. I looked out the window and wondered if I needed to change my job so that I could spend more time outside among God’s creations. Should I travel to the far reaches of the earth to see the amazing things created by men and by God? Or should I stay close to home and try to recreate the beauty I see to share with others? But how could I ever create something beautiful when compared to the stars, the mountains, the sunrise, or the sunset?

I probably won’t become a park ranger, a landscape photographer, a geologist, or a hiking guide. But, nonetheless, the experience, as most do, pushed me to wonder what I could do better. Ultimately, most of my spiritual experiences lead back to the same prayer – the prayer that has been mine for longer than I can remember. What should I be doing in life? Am I going in the right direction? And, if not, which direction should I go? Sometimes I can already see the Lord’s hand actively in my life. I can see how the people around me, or the things I am doing, will help further His work in some way. But, most days, I look at the wealth of things He has given me and wonder. What on earth (literally) am I supposed to be doing here? A dozen BYU students were named National Science Foundation fellows shortly after graduation. Had I followed the route to physics research, that could have been me. Or so many other things. I just want to be doing the best things I can – not just the good things, but the best ones. But what are the best things in my life?

I know the answer to my question. The Lord has answered it at least a gazillion times – in my patriarchal blessing, in dreams, in the temple, and in conversations with complete strangers. A central reason to why I have my talents, my knowledge, my trials, and why I’ve been placed here at this time, is so that I can be a missionary. Every experience, every talent, every circumstance prepares and enables me to be a better missionary. And that’s the key to finding my purpose in life. Whether in my family as a father (someday), in the Church, or in the world, that’s where my happiness lies – in serving others, sharing the principles of the gospel with them, and helping them come unto Christ.

So I guess the prayer I pray isn’t really “what should I be doing?” – it’s “how should I be doing it?” And I know the answer to that one, too… Follow the guidance of the Spirit. That’s how you best do missionary work, how you are best able to meet the needs of others. That is the crazy frustrating part. I sometimes wish there were a formula I could follow to better meet my purpose in life and be a better missionary – something concrete so that I could chart my progress and work on its development. That’s actually probably why the Lord has me working at the MTC right now. We’re writing a curriculum to help missionaries be better missionaries, and I see parallels in my life and the things I need to do. I have personal experience wrestling with it on a day-to-day basis. Yes, there are some things that will work for some people in missionary work – hence why I write, sing… but, in most cases, you have to rely on the Spirit and follow its promptings to meet the needs of the people around you. Some days I wish my sole purpose in life consisted in accounting.

I guess it ends up being a prayer for faith – faith that the Lord will help me to accomplish His will, faith that He will help me know His will, faith to move forward. And so, dear Lord, help me have faith.

I’m not really sure if my life and struggles are normal. I guess no one is really normal – we are each different. Each of us has a personal relationship with our Father in Heaven… and He has designed life such that we can come closer to Him. And as we come closer to Him, He helps us realize and fulfill our purposes in life. This week, amid the stress of everyday life, the festivities of Memorial Day, working in the garden, and preparing for summer, I invite you to take time to remember the blessings the Lord has given you and to speak with Him. There is no formula that will tell you what is most important in life – but the Lord will tell you (at least, partially) if you ask Him. Go out and be missionaries!

Rough roads... with the Lord at my side

The Lord definitely knew what He was doing when He encouraged me to focus on the little things this week. They were the only things stable in what felt like a massive tumult in every aspect of my life. I still have so much to learn.

During a lesson on Tuesday, I listened to a missionary relate his own recent conversion experience. He had been into drugs, alcohol, and didn't really care about anything else…until he read a letter that his friend’s sister had written from her mission. He went home, knelt down, and prayed to know if he should serve a mission... and felt God's love for him and the knowledge that he needed to serve. He talked to his bishop the next day and began the process. As I listened to that missionary and for the rest of the day, I wondered about my own place in the Lord's work. Sometimes I don't feel like I'm at the front of the war and I wonder if my efforts really make a difference in the tides of battle. Will a lesson I write really influence missionaries to better help others change their lives and come unto Christ? And where could my talents best be used? That is one of my main purposes in life - to help others around me come closer to Christ... and even after serving a mission and writing curriculum for the MTC, I struggle to understand how to accomplish it myself.

Thursday was rough. At the beginning of the day I taught a lesson I've taught half a dozen times, and each time the experience has been incredible. I had prayed, gone to the temple, and done everything I knew how to prepare for the lesson, and Thursday's lesson was amazing. During and after the lesson, the missionaries shared how it helped them in accomplishing their purpose in their work. The people observing who were in the classroom for the entire lesson had a similar experience. I left the lesson walking on air, happy to have been able to make a small difference in their lives.

Moments after the lesson finished, I walked into my boss's office to see if she had observed behind the glass and to let her know how it had gone. She mentioned that there had been a lot of feedback on the lesson and was just finishing with the re-write. That began the shock. Normally feedback that ends in rewrites comes from lessons that struggle, not ones that seem to go off without a hitch. As I sat quietly in her office, she related comments from a dozen different people who had observed for a few minutes behind the one-way glass, each of which criticized, not the lesson itself, but the concept behind it. One after one, while the lesson was still going on and without seeing it in its entirety, people gave her feedback to change the scope and direction of the lesson. And enough had given her feedback that she had re-written the lesson. Not completely, but almost everything was totally different, and the central activity was totally scrapped. I thought about quitting my job. I have strong feelings for this lesson, not only because I wrote it, tested it, and taught it, but because of how it affects missionaries. I could easily go to all the missionaries who ever had the lesson, ask them to relate their experiences, and get 100% to tell me it had changed their outlook on missionary work and the influence of the Spirit on the work. I know because I have asked. She explained that those giving feedback had the responsibility to eventually implement the lessons, so we needed to follow their direction. And, even if missionaries had sublime experiences that changed their lives, it wouldn't matter. Their minds were set and the rewrite was done; the lesson was scrapped. Thankfully, it was Thursday and I had a good excuse to leave shortly thereafter to go teach in Draper. I kept the tears back until I made it to the parking lot, then let myself cry during my commute. The only way I can accurately describe the feeling I had was one of utter shock and total confusion. So I prayed for rain.

If Thursday was rough, Friday was even worse. I had an immense desire to be on a team for our upcoming test. When I learned that one of our part-time employees had been chosen when the manager of training declined, I was heartbroken. Worse than heartbroken, I soon felt awful thoughts welling up inside of me. Why had I been passed over? Didn't I work incredibly hard - longer and more skillfully than anyone else? Didn't I know the lessons better than anyone since I had edited each one? Didn't I understand the perspective and context of the project from being on the team for over a year? Again, I thought about quitting. After a few seconds, I shut off the pain and jealousy and sat staring blankly at the floor. I was on the verge of tears, but this time it was from seeing my own flaws. For years I've tried to rid myself of the feeling of entitlement. Realizing that it was still there inside of me made me want to just give up and go home. I spent the remainder of the day working, worked out at the gym, was utterly exhausted, and went home.

Saturday I did almost nothing of value. My brain and body were still in shock. As I played chauffeur that evening, I realized how bad a state I was in, and why it felt like the world was falling apart around me. I was freezing (which meant that I had a burning fever; I'm never cold otherwise), my head hurt (another sure sign of sickness), and my mind wasn't working. I needed to return a DVD and went 50 blocks in the wrong direction before realizing I was lost. It didn't help that my phone wouldn't work for most of the day and my car began to overheat after only a few miles of driving. I went home, waited for the car to cool down, and drove 50 blocks the other way to make the return, praying that I would be able to make it home safely. I'm not completely sure what is wrong - I think that the fans on the radiator may not be working. The coolant is heating up, but not cooling down. Either way, I need to get it fixed before I can drive my car any appreciable distance, which may preclude going to work tomorrow until at least the afternoon. I went to sleep with two blankets and woke up a few hours later when my fever broke.

But even with the world falling apart around me, even with my body fighting off sickness and my mind fighting off depression, I was buoyed up by the little things in life. Daily scripture study helped me receive personal revelation. Daily prayer helped me know God’s plans for me. Exercising kept me mostly sane, and eating healthily certainly had helped my body in doing what it needs to do to keep me well. And Friday, Saturday, and Sunday, it rained – the answer to my prayer for rain and the voice of the Lord speaking to me… assuring me that He loves me, is aware of my problems, and is actively involved in my life. I can’t say that I feel great right now, in body, mind, or spirit. But I know that God loves me, cares about me, and has my best interests at heart, and I know that I am doing what I should be doing. In due time, He will help me see how my experiences can help me progress and come closer to Christ.

Each of us struggles in life. There are times when everything we care about seems to fall apart… and the world is on our shoulders. At those times, we can turn to the Lord and, while He may not lift our burdens, He will let us know that He is there and that He cares. If we continue to turn to Him, He will make us stronger and more able to bear the burdens that shall be placed upon us and help us learn to be happy in the process. When life is hard, turn to Him, and He will bless you with the perspective, faith, and strength to carry on. Go out and be missionaries!

Working too hard... Focusing on the simple things

The Lord told me I’ve been working too hard. That was an interesting conversation. I was just pondering how tired I was as I drove out of the MTC, and He suggested that I take two weeks off and go to Hawaii. It was definitely His voice, but I’m sure it was a joke – while for most people Hawaii would be paradise, the Lord knows as well as I do that a vacation to Hawaii wouldn’t help with my problem. If it really is a problem. That’s still up for grabs. So here’s the deal: my enjoyment in life comes from working towards my goals… drawing closer to the things that are important to me. My favorite thing to do in life, the thing that renews me, fills me with passion and joy, and makes me wake up in the morning with a smile on my face and a song in my heart, is to be productive, and to help others do the same. To learn new things, and help others do the same. To make good choices and help others do the same. And that’s all. That’s why work this last week was amazing; I had an important editing project that only I could do that consumed all my time and people constantly asked me to help them with other things. When I’m not productive, I am absolutely miserable, dejected, and depressed. It’s not just who I am – it’s what I’ve believed for as long as I can remember. Moving on the path towards salvation brings happiness. Anything else is miserable. In my mind, it goes further than that – happiness is also related to what the Lord has given you and how you are using it. If you are blessed with a little, then moving forward a little will bring you joy. But if you are blessed with a lot, and as you grow and gain more knowledge and develop more talents, you need to move faster and accomplish more to achieve your full measure of happiness… which grows with your knowledge and ability to do good. Actually discussing that in depth opens a whole new can of worms (doing the best things versus being constantly busy), and I feel like I’ve already been down that road. Everything I do, I do for a reason – to come closer to Christ… and the Lord wasn’t telling me that I needed to reprioritize everything in my life, just that I needed to take more leisure time. More won’t be hard, since I haven’t really allowed myself true leisure time in a long time. I wake up early in the morning, go to work, fill my day with meaningful activities, and fall asleep exhausted, until the next day when it happens again. What He meant was that I need to gain a testimony of leisure time – better understand how to integrate more activities into my life that move me towards my goals but aren’t as stressful as the ones I currently pursue. That sounds ironic… but, then again, I’m only recently realizing what it means to work too hard. So maybe I should take a vacation to Hawaii.

In the aftermath of that revelation, I’ve been wondering exactly what the Lord wants me to do. In the last few months, I’ve felt like I need to be on the lookout for a new job, keep applying to graduate schools, look for an eternal companion, and work on a dozen other projects to share the gospel, improve my talents, and bless the world around me. If I really am working too hard, then I need to change my focus to better align with what the Lord wants me to accomplish. And so I was wondering what the Lord really wants me to do – what I should focus on first, second, and so on. Our subsequent conversation was telling. And the music that just began playing on Utah’s FM 100.3 is telling, as well – “Great Things and Small Things” from the Cumorah’s Hill cantata. The song talks of the things that the Lord asked prophets to accomplish – building an ark, moving mountains, crossing the ocean… and the things that He asks us to do – to love our neighbors, to forgive, to keep our promises. “…and from the small things come the greatest things of all.” The Lord asked me to focus on two things: ensure that I make time for my daily spiritual wellbeing through scripture study, prayer, pondering, and regular temple worship, and time for my physical wellbeing through exercise, sleep, and eating healthily. That’s what He wants me to focus on first. And I can do that.

I think that sometimes I am guilty of the desire of Naaman, who wanted the prophet to call down fire from heaven to heal him of leprosy instead of having him wash in the river. Sometimes I want the Lord to command me to do some great thing to accomplish His will. Sometimes He has. But the Lord doesn’t usually act in great and magnificent ways; instead, He blesses me with new days where I do the same things… with small changes. And, in changing little pieces of my life, I change who I am. I read the Book of Mormon and come closer to God. I pray, and find that the Lord speaks to me and answers my prayers. I ponder, and I learn and apply the lessons that He teaches me.

Each of us has the same predicament in life as I faced this last week. We want to do what is right – to make the best choices in life and come closer to Christ. But sometimes we don’t realize how far we are from truly realizing what the best choices are. We think we need to have a clean house, a better job, and more money in the bank, when, in reality, we would be happier simply doing the little things that the Lord has suggested all along. My project this next week is to focus on the simple things: physical and spiritual health every day. Yes, sometimes the Lord calls us to do amazing things – to heal the sick, to change hearts, to fill callings, to make a difference in the world. But, more often, He calls us to simply move forward in faith… to become better each passing day and to lift those around us in the same pursuit. I invite you to do the same – to become better in the simple things. Go out and be missionaries!

Life is amazing. Sort of. Yeah.

Happy Mother’s Day!

Some days I wish I could paint a perfect picture of my life in this letter – recount only peaceful, happy moments, share unending optimism, and talk about how life is amazing. More often than not, though, I realize that my thoughts are spinning in a dozen directions as I write. And being truly honest requires more than just highlighting what went well in my life. This is one of those weeks – a week where, on the surface, everything seems to have gone according to plan. Our project deadline is only a few weeks away at the MTC, which means plenty of work; the class I teach is going well and my students love every moment of it; the rest of my life is panning out in the right direction. But, beneath the surface, everything is in turmoil. And sometimes I feel totally and helplessly lost.

Take my work at the MTC, for instance. Over the last few weeks I’ve felt my love for my work slowly wane. A year ago I was willing to do anything to work at the MTC and make a difference in the missionary education effort. I was a volunteer for months and happy to do what I could. And, even when work was rough or tedious, the Lord helped me to see relevance in the things I did and motivated me to do better. Now every time I think about the MTC I get the feeling that I need to find a new job. I’ve prayed for the ability to love my work, to see relevance in my assignments, and for patience and long-suffering. The only answer I’ve received of late is more of the same: an overwhelming desire to leave.

The feeling that I should leave isn’t the bad thing. The department wouldn’t really suffer from my absence and filling my spot would be pretty easy. And since the Lord prompted me to start working there, I knew that I wouldn’t be able to go in a different direction until He gave the go-ahead. Knowing where to go is the problem. Not for lack of trying to find the right direction (at least, I don’t think so). I’ve been rejected from every graduate program to which I’ve applied and a handful of jobs that I thought might be in the right general area. And while my conversations with the Lord have been helpful, I seem to be taking a very long time to get the big picture. I mean, I’m 24, a university graduate with honors and credits in almost every discipline, I’ve tried out a dozen different professions that were once my “dream jobs”… and yet I still don’t know what I want to do with my life. So the feeling that I should find a new job, without knowing which way to go, leaves me with two options: feel completely lost and totally vulnerable, or rely on the Lord, put my trust in Him, and move forward with faith. There is only one right choice. But that doesn’t make it any easier.

Then take housing. I was living in Orem, working in Provo and Sandy. When we moved all our stuff into a storage unit, I thought it would just be simple enough to live out of my car. I could exercise & shower each morning on campus, eat at the MTC cafeteria (amazing food and really low prices), and spend my time with people instead of with an apartment. It would also give me another perspective on life, save money, and be a lot less stressful than having to move multiple more times. And when I took it to the Lord, I felt okay about it. I was actually excited to see what effect it would have. And it worked perfectly for a few days – I was back in an exercise routine and spent all my time during the day engaged in productive activities. It seemed perfect. Then circumstances changed and I’m living in West Jordan with family. And while being with family is amazing, the extra 45-minute commute immediately eliminated my morning exercise time. It also makes it hard to do things late in the evening, since I don’t want to be exhausted as I drive back… or not get enough sleep before going to work the next morning. I guess, again, I have two options: feel frustrated with the few options I seem to have been given, or rely on the Lord, put my trust in Him, and move forward with faith. Again, there’s only one right choice. And, while it will still be hard, just writing about it makes it seem easier to accomplish.

And, to be truthful, my life is actually pretty amazing. In the workplace, I’ve felt guided recently to look in the direction of helping people make better decisions, finding ways to improve processes, and identifying key ideas to champion in organizations. Ironically, it’s a mix between business consulting and motivational speaking – the first of which I thought would never be up my alley. But it feels like the right direction. At the moment I was struggling to figure out how to go about moving towards that goal, my parents offered, out of the blue, to make some contacts to get me started. Wow. Doors opening already. I should have guessed – the only way I’ve ever gotten a job was from a face-to-face conversation. Paper applications just don’t seem to work for me. And my housing crisis isn’t really a crisis – I love the opportunity to spend time with cousins and be a part of their lives… and I think that time is worth more than it is costing me right now.

Each of us faces major decisions each day. Sometimes it is easy to be optimistic, happy, and see the blessings that the Lord has given us; other times, it seems that the deck is stacked against us, willing us to fail or at least be miserable. But I have a testimony that, even when life seems rough and you feel lost, the Lord can be there at your side guiding you, leading you, inspiring you, and helping you to see His hand in all things. He loves you and wants you to be happy. In fact, He gave you every part of your life (even the awful parts) to enable you to learn to be happy – that’s one of the purposes in life. Look to Him, and you’ll realize that life is full of peaceful, happy moments amidst the turmoil of confusion. With the Spirit at your side, you can be eternally optimistic as you identify what the Lord is trying to teach you today. I invite you to identify the hardest thing you are facing – the most painful, difficult, awful, or heartrending… and ask the Lord sincerely to help you see His hand. I promise (from personal experience) that He will bless you with inspired wisdom and perspective. And you’ll see that life really is amazing. Go out and be missionaries!

Coming Closer to Christ

Wow. This week has gone by in a blur. Our projects at the MTC are getting closer and closer to their deadlines; as we get closer, my boss gets more and more stressed. She’s already been sick twice and was out again for a few days this week. I hope that she gets better. I also hope that, when my life is super-super-stressed, I’m able to deal with it without sacrificing my health.

I was thinking a lot this week about proximity. It’s also called propinquity – the science of ‘closeness.’ I’ve studied propinquity before – people who live in the same area, around the same time, with similar ages are tons more likely to get married than those who live in different countries or those who are separated by more than a few years, simply because of how close they are. In my human resources class, we discussed how other nonhuman factors in the environment affect what we do, sometimes without our knowing. People who eat from a gallon-size bowl of Chex mix eat almost twice as much as those who serve themselves from a half-gallon-size bowl. People at the movies, even when the popcorn is totally stale, eat much more popcorn with a mega-size popcorn container. You eat significantly more when your plate is larger (and yet with a smaller plate you still “feel full” after eating). Placing food within arm reach makes it almost inevitable that the food will be eaten (whether a bowl of candy or a tray of vegetables), while putting it in a closed, metal tin on the bottom shelf of the fridge decreases the likelihood that anyone will even look at it. But it goes beyond food – people who have adjoining offices collaborate more, people who live next to each other are more likely to become friends, and families who eat dinner together (and hence experience physical propinquity on a regular basis) have fewer problems and their children are less likely to drink or do drugs.

Most of these things seem obvious. If something is easier to do, of course it’s more likely that I will do it. But, at the same time, most of the things in our lives simply are there. Most of us, when organizing, try to achieve simplicity and order – we may not necessarily organize our homes or our offices based on what we want to accomplish… and I think that we should. I’ll give you two examples: I often get the desire to make something in my blender or my crockpot. My blender sits on one counter, right next to the sink, plugged in and ready to be used. The crockpot sits on the other counter inside a box, with no electrical outlets nearby. I use my blender all the time to make hummus, spaghetti sauce, or peanut butter. I haven’t used my crockpot in months. Why? While at work or early in the morning, I’ve had ideas of recipes to use, meals to prepare, and things to try in the crockpot, but as soon as I got in the kitchen I found that the barrier of taking it out of the box and moving it closer to an electrical outlet was too high. Not that I couldn’t have done it, or that I consciously found myself thinking that picking up a crockpot was hard work. That would be absurd. But the box was just enough of a barrier to keep me from using the crockpot when, perhaps plugged in and ready to go, I would have used it.

Example #2: For a long time I have carried my scriptures in my backpack with the intent of increasing my likelihood of reading them throughout the day. It works. I’m at work and need to look something up – I have my scriptures. I’m at the library and want to do my daily scripture study. Easy – they’re still in my backpack. When I have a spare moment, I find myself going to the scriptures simply because I have them there. When I don’t have them with me, it’s much less likely that I’ll turn to them for counsel. I keep a copy of the Book of Mormon next to my bed. I’ve found that at 11:30 at night I’m not always the most logical person, and the effort to get up and find a set of scriptures seems almost overwhelming. If I haven’t read my scriptures before getting ready to go to sleep, and I have a copy of the Book of Mormon next to my bed, it is that much easier to get up, find them, and read them. I try to keep another copy in my car – which makes it that much more likely that I will talk to people about the Book of Mormon and offer them a copy.

In the first example, I saw how easy it was to create barriers in my life. Just putting my crockpot in a box made it so that I never used it – even though I had the desire and it was sitting on the counter for months. In the second example, I saw how easy it was to make something important to me easier to do – by carrying my scriptures with me, I made it easier to read and share them with others throughout the day.

In our lives, there is a multitude of things that we would like to accomplish, and things that we would like to avoid doing each day. Most of the time, we assume that the reason we do one and not the other is simply a result of will – if we really wanted to do more good and less bad, we would try harder. But there are other ways to influence our actions. Look at what the Lord uses to remind and influence us – He asks us to read the scriptures daily, to pray frequently, to constantly surround ourselves with good music, uplifting pictures, and good friends. He even asks us to think about the clothing that we are wearing (and choosing Sabbath-day clothing specific to that day) to influence how we feel and act. We can do the same thing in accomplishing our personal goals. We can find ways to make our tasks closer, easier, and then more likely to be completed. Visual cues – like To-Do lists, notes stuck on the bathroom mirror, pictures on the wall, or the placement of where things are in your home or office – affect what we do. Proximity affects us as well; if I leave a stack of papers on the top of my desk at work, I am much more likely to look at them and do something with them than if I file them in a filing cabinet.

I know that God loves us. He wants us to be happy and to choose the right. For that reason, He surrounds us with things that symbolize heaven… and that point to His existence. As Alma said, all things denote there is a God. And, if we look, we can see the messages He left in the stars, the wind, the rain, the grass, and the trees. Everything around us helps us to remember Him and to keep His commandments. We have that same power – we can choose what is in our environment and influence our own decisions. My invitation to you this week is to choose something you want to accomplish – whether exercising more regularly, reading your scriptures more faithfully, or eating less (or more). Find a way to make what you want easier to do – whether moving exercise equipment or scriptures into your room or decreasing your plate size – and do it. It may not solve all of your problems, but it will make solving them that much easier. Ultimately, if we want to come closer to Christ or to better habits, there are two things we can do. We can move forward towards them, or we can take the steps to bring them closer to us. Go out and be missionaries!

Revelations on life, learning, missionary work

Wow. Another crazy week has passed.

Projects at the MTC are moving forward at full speed; we’re moving this week (again); I didn’t make the final round for the job I applied for at the Church Office Building; graduation day at BYU made me nostalgic for school; and my human resources training seems like it will help me at work and in life. But the most interesting thing that happened this week was that I think I am a bit closer to understanding the type of work I love and what I really want to do in life.

When I was younger (from the beginning of conscious thought through college) I envied people and storybook characters who had their lives all planned out. They loved math and were good at it, so they became statisticians or mathematicians. Or they excelled and loved writing and became writers. They had the key ingredients of passion and ability to shape their lives and help them find fulfillment in their work, and they fulfilled the commandment to share their talents with the world. I, on the other hand, somehow ended up with a grab bag of assorted gifts and talents – from writing to swimming to teaching to singing to physics – without the accompanying passion to pursue all of them. I’m definitely grateful for the talents I’ve been given, but I didn’t even have the passion to pursue one of them – I’ve never been able to imagine myself happily situated in a career doing any of things I’m good at. I would have gladly traded most of my talents (example: Debate. Who really wants a talent for debate? I got nominated as the best debater in my class in high school. That would be fine in itself, but many of my friends claim I am constantly in ‘debate mode’ – even in casual conversations. Since I don’t know how to turn the over-assertive ‘debate mode’ off, life would be simpler if I lacked the talent) for direction in life. I actually asked the Lord, sincerely, if He would do the exchange – like when, for Nephi, He took war and replaced it with famine – but He explained that my situation was different. I had been given my talents for a good reason, and part of the reason was that I needed to figure it out. My patriarchal blessing is conspicuously vague on the subject; it says that as I choose my vocation in life, I’ll receive blessings from the Lord. And so I’ve tried a lot of different vocations with the hope that one would turn out right. I’ve written books, worked on video games, performed in plays and movies, and done educational research. I’ve been a teacher and a curriculum designer, studied half a dozen languages, started a business, and taken courses in everything from plant propagation to computer science. And nothing felt right. But, somehow, through it all I’ve felt like I’ve been guided. It’s like each job or training is a piece of some massive, intricate puzzle that I really can’t understand. But, along with the years of dance or the jobs that I’ve held, are accompanying miraculous stories. The thing I’ve been searching for is trying to understand what I really want to do in life – something that makes me love life – that makes me get up in the morning and give thanks to God. And, as much as I love learning, it definitely isn’t physics research, or aromatherapy or even music or teaching classes on food science. But I think I’m closer to knowing what it is.

It all seemed to fall together this week. I was nostalgic for school when BYU was full of new graduates with their caps and gowns, and I wondered what I had learned in the last year. Not just knowledge, but what I had learned about myself. And, looking back on the things that made me happy, I saw a pattern. I’m happiest when I’m helping other people make changes in their lives, and when I’ve helped change organizations to better meet the needs of people. It’s that simple. I used to think that my passion in life was teaching. Then I realized that I couldn’t teach the same subject year after year without going crazy. Then I thought my passion was learning, and realized that there were plenty of things I didn’t want to learn. And so now I think I’m closer – and the passion of my life is enabling and motivating change – bringing people and organizations closer to Christ. At least, I think so. That could explain my love of learning – because it enables me to change my own views and beliefs about the world – and to improve my actions to become a better person. It could also explain my love of teaching people, because I love to help them gain and apply knowledge in their lives. And it’s why I’m passionate in changing organizations – because through change we can work with greater efficiency, with better results and happier customers and employees. When I thought my passion was teaching or learning, I said that I wanted to change the world of education. In reality, I just want to change the world. Changing education is just a part of it. So there’s my talent and passion – learning, applying, and teaching others principles that apply in their lives.

Wow. That’s exactly what I do in this letter each week. I look at my life, synthesize the things that the Lord has taught me, share how I am applying them, and then try to create an invitation that others can follow. And, proof that I am at least closer this time to finding what makes me tick, for the last 5 years writing this letter each week has been a major element that has kept me going and given me purpose in life.

So when I was rejected from the job offer at the Church Office Building, it didn’t come as much of a surprise. Two of my bosses and the Lord had mentioned some aspects of the job that hinted that it probably wouldn’t be right for me, and I realize now that I was just grasping at straws, trying to make sense out of what I couldn’t yet make sense.

And so I’m still at the MTC. I had an amazing revelation this last week while on my way to the temple. I was trying to identify the vital behaviors of missionary work – what makes a missionary who is successful in implementing the rest of the missionary behaviors different from a missionary who does everything right, but rote. The realization came as the Lord taught me that the Spirit is the most important element in the work. “If ye receive not the Spirit, ye shall not teach.” It’s not, “If ye receive not the Spirit, then your lesson won’t go well,” or “If ye receive not the Spirit, do your best anyway.” The message is clear, and the impact is far-reaching. In missionary work, having the Spirit is the most important aspect. If you have the Spirit, the work will go forward. If you don’t, “ye shall not teach.” My interpretation: the vital behaviors in missionary work are: 1: Be exactly obedient (to be worthy of the companionship of the Spirit). 2: Schedule time to ask for guidance and listen to the Spirit each day (prayer, planning, and study time). 3: Always be in an environment where you can hear the promptings of the Spirit, and keep a prayer in your heart. 4: Act on every prompting from the Spirit, immediately. 5: If the Spirit leaves, get out of bad situations immediately. Then stop, repent, pray, and don’t move until it returns.

Sometimes life can seem to be a massive puzzle… where you only see the back side of individual pieces. I know it has been that way for me. But I also know that God loves us and wants us to be happy. And, if we will look to Him for guidance, He will help us to become the people He sees in us. Through the Atonement of Jesus Christ, we have the ability to change, to grow, and to be happy. And, if we will follow the guidance that we receive at the hand of the Lord, someday we will be made perfect. My invitation this week is simple: try to identify one of the things you love in life – not just the things that are fun, but the things that hold so much value that they contain part of the purpose of your life. Look at your past, the things with which the Lord has blessed you, and your dreams for the future… and then find a way to do more of the things you love most. I’m going to figure out this week if there is a graduate program that will help me learn to help people change their lives (hopefully something other than psychology). Then, when you have found it and applied it, go out and be missionaries! Share your love of life with others… and they will come closer to Christ.

Influence and Education

I fell asleep this afternoon without intending to – a sure sign of being tired if there ever was one. Longer hours at work have been nice, since I've had the opportunity to have a major impact on our projects at the MTC, but they've also been draining. My uncle also had a late-into-the-night birthday party during the week, an aunt had a pre-marathon party, and I got home late last night from a date. So I guess there are plenty of reasons to be tired. At least for today I've made the commitment to go to sleep at a reasonable hour. Which means writing while the sun is still up instead of staying up until two in the morning.

I've had some interesting experiences this week. Wednesday morning I woke up and began singing (as is customary) and, while leaving the apartment, noticed little blue paper notes on the outside of my neighbor's doors. Something about the stairwell at my complex has always made me want to sing, so, still singing a song from Phantom of the Opera, I turned and found the same note on my door. It was an invitation to a Relief Society activity, and I turned back to the stairwell. Then, suddenly, the door across from mine flew open and a woman in her late thirties cried out, “You! You have an amazing voice. I need to know your name! Come in! Come in!” She ushered me into her apartment, which was a bit messy; what hit me first, though, was a row of 6 well-cared-for potted plants in the middle of the room. Everything but the plants was in chaos. “You must think I'm crazy for living in a house this messy. I'm crazy to live in a house like this. How could anyone live in a house like this? I'm sorry. I need to get a piece of paper. Don't go away.” She rummaged through a drawer and found a piece of paper and a marker, then asked, “What's your name? Are you a missionary?” I was dressed for work, which includes a suit, tie, and a white name tag, so I smiled. “No – I just work at the MTC.” I gave her my name, and she tried to explain why she needed it, but in her anxious & excited state I was only able to catch something about Sandra Bullock, Christ, miracles, and a story. As I left, the Lord told me I had just been involved in a missionary experience... I just have no clue what it means yet.

A friend at Institute has had a massive rash for the last month. Her doctors put her on intense medications and were still unable to treat it. I suggested that she change her diet – eliminate sugars, fats, and empty carbs – and she took me seriously. Today in Church she was smiling and rash-free; the culprit was probably a daily ice cream shake from her new workplace.

And then, as I was leaving work on Friday, I talked with one of my managers. His office is the home of “the candy drawer” - a drawer that, for years, has stayed full of candy no matter how much you take out, and to which everyone is invited and entitled at any point in time. I don't think I need to share my deepest feelings as regards the drawer. He mentioned that he had recently felt promptings telling him to live more healthily. Even more amazing – he had already made plans to act on the promptings, from getting a bike to buying fruit to bring with him to work. He then let me in on a secret: the candy drawer just received its last refill before death by attrition. Wow. Miracles happen every day.

I signed up for a Human Resources training this week and I've been reading a book to prepare for the class. The book is titled Influencer and is really interesting. It suggests vital behaviors that enable people to make an impact in others' lives and how to implement them into change models: Focus on a few vital behaviors that will achieve the result you need, then use a variety of motivational and enabling methods to help change happen. As I read, I was able to see how true the principles are, and how I've unwittingly applied them already. Over the last year, I've had plenty of opportunities to share why I eat healthily and to invite others to do the same. But a year of lunchtime platitudes has done very little except instill a mild sense of guilt in my coworkers – because, in their hearts, they didn't believe that eating healthily was worth it. Or they didn't believe it was possible. Taking healthy food with me each day – and helping them to have their own positive experiences eating healthily on a daily basis – has suddenly changed my workplace. People bring carrots and apples and a healthy lunch; others are spending more time exercising and drinking more water. The book explains how telling stories, and allowing others to experience their own stories, is a hundred times more useful than simply verbally telling information.

I can see other applications: helping friends make life changes, helping missionaries to change their paradigm in the curriculum we are writing, and, ultimately, changing the world of education. Someday, along with 3rd-party assessment tools that will enable students to choose their own courses in life, I'll create classrooms where students are taught by students – and where students who have learned just a bit more are held accountable to the success of the students they teach. In a system like that, there would never be problems with too much teacher-directed class time. There would never be issues of whether something was good for a student or plausible for a teacher. And, by making students into teachers, students would learn more than ever before. Obviously it would have to be carefully crafted... and require a major shift in culture. But I think it will be possible. Someday.

Recent events have shown me an interesting turn in my life: for the first time, I am studying things I never wanted to learn, including behavioral psychology. It, along with political science and law, was the only thing I ever “knew” I didn't want to study... and I have always avoided it like the plague. Part of my avoidance of psychology was a fear that, if I really understood how people acted and why, I would automatically become manipulative and treat people like 'patients' that needed curing instead of really caring about them regardless of the outcomes. In the years that have passed, I've learned how to better love the people around me, and now I find myself reading through social science reports, summarizing findings from journal articles, and applying social science principles to my life to help me be a better influence in the world around me. Am I afraid that maybe it will backfire and push me further away from the people I love? Of course I am – nothing terrifies me more. But that means that I'll always have to rely on the Lord... and, with Him at my side, I can't go astray.

So the lessons I am learning are similar to the ones I learned last week – learn to love everything, be a good example, and help others make changes in their lives themselves. If I had possessed the executive power to ban junk food from the face of the earth, a year ago I would have done it. Today, I feel like I do have that power – the power to help people make better choices and become who they really want to be – all I need to do is use it. I know that God loves us, and that He placed us here, in life, among one another. He could change us... and put us in situations where we would have to choose the right, but, instead, He entreats us, blesses us, encourages us, and helps us along the road to righteousness. I think we can all do the same in our everyday lives with others – be a friend, a helping hand, a listening ear, a kind gesture, a loving embrace. And then the people will come closer to Christ – of their own accord. I know that God lives. He sent His Son for us, and He will guide us in accomplishing His work. The work is moving forward. Go out and be missionaries!

Just another week

This week has been amazing. I think the theme of the week is making a difference in the lives of others. Following General Conference, I made the decision to take healthy food with me each day to work. My reasons were multiple; it would ensure that I had healthy food to eat (as opposed to simply skipping meals), show my coworkers that I cared about them, hopefully influence their eating habits, and give me a chance to serve them. So, Monday morning, I arrived to work with a tray of chopped carrots, crackers, homemade hummus and salsa. It was an instant hit. In the days following, I took other healthy foods – carrots, celery, olives, apples, oranges, pears, and homemade dips from hummus to peanut butter. And already, after just a week, my coworkers are mentioning how much they appreciate it and how it is affecting their dietary habits. “I tried to go eat my normal food... but I just couldn't – I felt like I wanted something healthier” was one comment, followed by, “I think we are all going to become converted to eating healthier.” One even brought his own healthy food to add on Friday afternoon. Wow. For some of these people, we have had conversations about eating healthily for a year now, with no visible changes. And now, within a week, I begin seeing results from simply taking the time to share part of my life with them. They are bringing healthier snacks with them to work. They take less trips to the “candy drawer” (a manager keeps one of his drawers full of candy available to anyone who wants it – right now I am openly at war with him). They eat healthy snacks instead of skipping food altogether. And I love it – being able to bless their lives and give meaningful service is worth whatever it costs me in time and grocery bills. And since I only buy produce that is on sale, I feel great about it anyway. Grocery shopping and food preparation has become an opportunity to find ways to bless the lives of others. Amazing.

In my quest to help people become healthier, I've been trying to find even more ways to become healthier myself. I attended a wellness seminar through BYU Human Resources a few weeks ago on using diet to reduce cancer risk. I felt validated while he talked about focusing on whole grains, fruits, vegetables, eating foods in their natural form, avoiding processed products, and maintaining a healthy lifestyle. But he mentioned one thing that made me squirm – watching the sodium content of foods. Excess sodium intake causes an increased risk of cancer, and, worse for me, an increased load on the heart. Heart problems run in my family, so I went home and looked at the foods I eat. Two foods in particular shocked me – canned tomatoes and canned beans. Eating a can of tomatoes puts me just shy of the maximum allowable sodium intake. A can of beans is only slightly less. So eating a can of beans and a can of tomatoes (which is easily normal fare when I'm hungry coming home from work) is way more than what is healthy. My first thought was to try finding something to substitute. After a few hours of research, multiple trips to hardware and other stores, and failed attempts at finding calcium chloride, I returned home one day with a 40-lb bag of potassium chloride. If you buy the 1 oz Morton size that is labeled “Salt Substitute,” it costs you $4. If you buy the 40-lb Morton size that says “Additive-free Potassium Chloride,” it costs you $20. Follow up on the manufacturer confirms that the big bag really does have no additives. There was no deliberation on my part. Potassium chloride, however, has a slightly different taste from normal salt. In some things, it tastes just fine. In others, it leaves a strange metallic taste... and makes me think of unripe bananas. So I'm experimenting and learning how I can use it in the long term.

I gave a talk today in church. My topic was assigned as the article from the March Ensign titled “Digital Detachment and Personal Revelation.” All week I struggled to determine how to give the talk – whether to base it off of personal experiences, stories, scriptures, quotes from the prophets, or another point of view. Obviously, I would probably use all of those, but what would be the defining factor – the key ingredient to tie it all together? My ward is sleepy during Sacrament meeting, but they also really need sound doctrine. And, because they are students and young adults, they need something incredibly memorable. What would work best? After spending time during the week, all day Saturday, and most of this morning trying to find the right pieces, I finally followed the prompting to reuse the format of a talk I gave about a year ago about a boy named Jack. In the talk, I told Jack's story multiple times. Each time, Jack made a fatal mistake en route to school which caused him to fall into a pit, get bitten by rattlesnakes, and die. After reviewing the mistake and teaching the associated doctrines, I retold the story. This time Jack applied the associated principle and bypassed the pit of rattlesnakes... until he made another mistake, fell into another pit of rattlesnakes, and died. The story is easily related to the spiritual consequences of making poor decisions, but the physical interpretation (each of the five endings goes: He fell into a pit and got bitten by a rattlesnake. He died. The end.) is just absurd enough to be both memorable and funny. Since the talk was on personal revelation, as Jack followed more and more of the steps to personal revelation, he got closer and closer to school. The five steps to receiving revelation I outlined were: Unplug from distractions, ask the Lord for guidance, study it out in your mind, keep a record of your promptings, and work hard.

On the surface, the talk seems to have had the motivating effect we needed. At one end, the bishopric was approving and people made references to 'unplugging' from digital distractions in Sunday School and Priesthood meeting. At the other end, ward members asked me why Jack didn't use Yahoo maps on his iPhone to not get lost; others made strange comments about my choice of snakes. Either way, they were listening and at least remembered the story for the two hours that followed. Hopefully they will also remember the principles behind it.

I'm seeing an impact in other parts of my life as well. A friend mentioned that she had a case of hives that doctors haven't been able to cure. She had open sores in many places because of itching. I handed her a bottle of lavender oil and she mentioned today that it worked amazingly well – her skin is finally healing. At Institute, the couple in charge of refreshments took interest in my diet and has begun to bring foods that could be categorized as uber-healthy: no-sugar-added, no-fat-added, vegan, whole grain cookies, homemade hummus, homemade pita bread, and assorted vegetables. Wow. And I've had more and more opportunities to help people at work.

For me, finding little ways that I can share things in my life with others has made all the difference this week. From taking food to work to telling stories in Sacrament meeting, I feel like I am influencing the people around me and helping them to make better decisions in their lives. And that is one of the things that makes me happy – being able to invite others, in whatever way, to come closer to Christ.

I know that God is our Father. He loves us and answers our prayers. And He gives us the opportunity to bless the lives of others here on the earth. My invitation to you this week is to look at your life and find something little you can do for others, and to do it. Maybe it's simply smiling at everyone you meet. Maybe it's making a phone call each day to talk with a friend. Whatever the choice, I know that as we strive to bless the lives of others, the Lord will bless us and help us (and those we serve) come closer to Him. Go out and be missionaries!

Revelation at General Conference

I'm not sure what to say. When I attend General Conference, I feel like the Lord is speaking directly to me – as if the speakers wrote their talks as direct answers to my questions. I don't want to write about anything other than Conference, but copying all 20 pages of notes would be long-winded even for me, so I'll just include a few of my thoughts. It's a bit haphazard, but you'll probably benefit from reading your own notes more than reading mine. My invitation to you (if you haven't already done so) is to review and write your own feelings and the promptings that the Lord gave you this General Conference.

Some of my thoughts:

The father always, always, always should administer to the ordinances of salvation for his family. He can choose others to give blessings and make decisions... but he should always, always, always administer to his children in the most important ordinances.

We can be certain that the Lord is pleased when we feel the Spirit working through us.

For those who eschew evil and live good lives, things can get better and better, even in difficult times.

How do we know our path of duty in a time of crisis? We pray.

Humble, sincere, inspired prayer makes available all the guidance we need.

I wonder if this means that I need to find the answer to my questions outside of General Conference... if the Lord is teaching me that He wants to have a more personal conversation. I can definitely understand that – I haven't been as faithful in everything as I should be... as I want to be.

I don't know if I will know what I need to do... other than stay close to the Lord, pray for His guidance, have faith, have hope, and move forward in the work. I don't know what that will mean. Perhaps it means making plans... trying new things, knocking on doors to see if they will open. I don't know what will happen at all. And I wonder.

Mothers have an impact and effect on their daughters... and everything that a mother does becomes a part of her daughters forever. Maybe that means that I need to find a mother that knows – a mother who is so completely engaged in the Gospel... and then look for her daughters.

How can I bless the lives of others? I'm not sure how to make an impact in the world.

I need to rescue others... I need to reach out to people... and I don't know exactly how.

The people who paid their life's savings for a Bible... and ran the risk of being executed. What did they know that we lack?

Take the time to obey the Lord – to do the things that the Lord has asked me to do and to be obedient to the commandments He has already given me.

You can't give the knowledge you have to your children. You can't. You can't. They have to learn it for themselves – the same way that we learned it.

Blessing: If you will do this [follow this pattern to teach your children], your children will be able to see afar off and hear the trump... and be a blessing to your family and your posterity.

I will give place no more for the enemy of my soul.

If we want it deeply and truly enough, that enemy can and will be rebuked... forever more.

The light of the Gospel can and will shine where we feel it has gone hopelessly and helplessly dark...

If we are sick and ask the Lord to bless us,... I need to do all the things necessary... it appears consistent to me to apply every remedy that comes within the range of my knowledge and then to sanctify that application to the healing of my body.

Healing blessings involving the power of the Priesthood. We will need this power (the Melchizedek Priesthood to bless the sick) more in the future than we have needed in the past.

“Our faith is in Jesus Christ and is not dependent on outcomes.”

The Missionary Department just posted a job on the Church website. Should I apply for the job? I think I want to be there. That means I'll have to apply for the job. Would I be happy? Yes – it's a learning experience and another type of teaching experience. Life goes on. And it will get better. I'll talk with my boss about it on Monday, and I'll work on my resume and application this week to make sure that I make a perfect fit.

Wow. I think I just heard the answer to my question. “A mission call is the most important work that you can do.” It is definitely clear, and while he meant it in a different way, it feels like the answer.

So that's my decision. I'll talk with my boss and apply for the job in the Missionary Department; I'll ask some people for references... and we'll see what happens. Will it affect my work in Development? Yes, but I've felt that I needed to look for a new job for a while. I've felt that I needed to move in a different direction for a few months now... and I can help train others to take my place in the department. Yes, it will be sad – and I'll miss the people in the department. But it feels like the right thing to do... and we'll see how it works... if it is the right direction... if I end up getting the job. The likelihood of getting the job is minuscule in the first place; I don't know what will happen. But I'll try it. Who knows? Maybe it will work out. And maybe I won't get the job and life will go on. Who knows?

What will my bosses think? And what do I think? I hope they don't feel like I'm abandoning them... like I'm pulling up roots in the middle of a project where they need me. But do they really need me? They have teams and others... and I know that, while I am a part of development, the department has created amazing things in the past and will continue to create great things in the future – with or without me as a part of them. It would be preposterous to think that development really needed me... or would it? I don't know. I don't feel like I'm really needed right now... and I think that the project will go on and be implemented without me.

Lord, I want to do this. I want to apply for this job. And I want to get it. Please help me to get this job, if it be Thy will. And if it be not Thy will, please help me to understand Thy will and how I can accomplish it.

Patience is not passive resignation... nor is it failure to act out of fear.

It is active waiting and enduring... staying with something and doing all that we can, bearing hardship with fortitude, even when the desires of our hearts are delayed. Patience is not enduring... it is enduring well

So what does that mean for me? It means that I'll apply for the job, and if I don't get it, and while I'm applying, I'll do everything in my power to bless the Development department. And if I don't get it, I'll keep moving forward.

Wow. Patience is an important thing. And I know that the Lord will eventually help me to know His will in my life. Patience is a good thing to learn at this point in my life; patience in finding an eternal companion: actively dating. Patience in choosing someplace to live: finding a home and working to make it a better place. Patience in attending graduate school: working and learning and applying. I haven't really waited very long – a year for graduate school, three years of waiting for a family.

I wonder. I can see that the Lord wants me to learn important lessons. I can see that He wants me to bless the lives of the people around me – doing things that I probably wouldn't have been willing to do had I a family to support. Be patient. Act now. I guess that's the same answer He has always given me – the same answer I've received for the last 3 years. Is it enough? Be patient. I can be patient. Act now? I can act; I am an agent unto myself and I can make a difference in the world. And I can and will act... and the Lord will direct me.

Learn what the Lord expects of you.

Plan how to do it.

Act on your plan.

Share with others how your experience changed you and blessed others.

At least that last part sounds like my weekly letter.

I'm planning to talk with my boss on Monday; I'll tell her what my plans are and all of the information that I have about the potential job. I'll ask for her help, and let her know what I'll ask for if I have the opportunity to choose when to start (I can ask her & my other supervisors for input on that if it comes to it). And then I'll move on. Or I'll keep working there with diligence.

Looking at what has happened in my life in the past, it's completely possible that this may not be the right choice. I mean, every job I've ever gotten was not posted online, wasn't available to the public, wasn't even offered before it was given to me.

True love requires action. What actions do I accomplish to show others that I care about them? I can show my love to others in so many ways...

Get up early tomorrow morning and make healthy food to take to work.

Celery sticks (probably not – people want 'calories')

Carrot sticks

Hummus

Crackers

Fruit? What kind of fruit can I take that would last all day?

Apples. I can take full-size apples

Teaching is actually helping others to have spiritual experiences. We can't be perfect examples. But we can do a lot. So how does this apply to the MTC? How does this apply to everything that I do in my work?

Wow. I feel so thankful for everything that has happened in my life – the people that I've known, the God that loves me, the Savior that sacrificed His life for me... and Who is risen from the grave to heal and save me. O Lord, please bless me. Help me to share the light of the Gospel with the people of the world... to shout it out with joyful voice and to make a difference... to bring Thy children back unto Thee. That's all I want. I just want to be a missionary... to change lives and to teach the Gospel all the days of my life. Help me to do Thy will.

The tragedy of spiritual death is much, much worse than the tragedy of physical death... and we can look around the world and see massive disasters that kill thousands, spiritually. What are we doing to help them? We are willing to send teams of doctors, money, supplies, and everything else to help those who are physically suffering. But what do we do when there are people who are suffering in the Spirit? People who are dying from infidelity, selfishness, pride, dishonesty...? Why don't we send massive relief teams there – to change their lives? I would join a team that was dedicated to preach the gospel in Naples, or in France, or in California, or in Provo. I think we need to have something like that – spiritual disaster relief programs. I don't know how you could do it. People are often so hurt that they cannot tell the difference... and they don't want the help of others. But spiritual help is so important... and much more important that the physical relief that comes with relief efforts. Maybe it would simply be a team of teachers – people who travel the world to teach principles of optimism, agency, wisdom, honesty, and other universal principles. You start with the basics, and move forward.

Suddenly that sounds like something that would be amazing. Groups of teachers that teach moral principles – that serve as moral guides in places where spiritual problems have occurred. Teachers who help children and parents to come to a knowledge of the truth for themselves. And teachers who accomplish a portion of missionary work by helping others to come unto Christ.

“You have come to this earth at a glorious time... the opportunities of this earth are nearly limitless... but we have been placed on this earth in a perilous times... the adversary is trying to ensnare us in a web of deceit.”

We are the rising generation... who are we? Who am I? And where do I fit in, in my generation?

The Lord loves us and will bless us as we call upon Him.

I invoke the blessings of Heaven upon each of you... that Heavenly Father will bless you and your families... may the messages and Spirit of Conference find expression in all that you do – in your homes, work, meetings, comings and goings.

I know that God loves us and that He hears and answers our prayers. We are guided today by living prophets and apostles who receive revelation for our sakes. Every time I attend General Conference my faith in revelation is reaffirmed. Reflect on what you have learned this Conference and share it with the world. Go out and be missionaries!

Preparing for Enlightenment

Lots has happened this week. Monday I tried to update my website to move forward with testing essential oils as an adjunct therapy for Cystic Fibrosis; I found that, inexplicably, the website had broken completely. The homepage had been deleted, the login screen didn't work, and I had to call to get everything restored from a backup. Wow. Instant opposition. After talking with some people, I think that my first step will be to contact researchers in order to set up the test the 'right' way... so that it will be accepted by the Cystic Fibrosis community and the medical community as a whole. Still very optimistic, still moving forward, the website and sign-up is still in the works.

Life at work has become more interesting. Development hired a bunch of short-term part-time employees to augment each of the teams working on the MTC curriculum. That means that there are actually people in my department – people to talk with (at least for the next few months)! That makes me happy, since being able to take a 2-minute break for a short conversation makes my work much more meaningful (and keeps me from getting headaches from staring at a computer screen for hours on end). I love people.

General Conference is this next week. And, with the preparation for General Conference comes a story and a promise. You might already know this story, but there are only so many personal true stories I can tell. The first time I went to General Conference with a question in my heart was in the seventh grade. I was struggling with the decision of whether or not to skip grades – a decision which would simultaneously jeopardize my swimming career, destroy my peer group, and have massive social ramifications... but also could help better meet my needs at school. The school board had given me the option and expected an answer soon. I was completely lost and didn't know what to do, so I prayed for help. That weekend was General Conference. And my experience that Conference changed my life. It was there that I heard the words, (paraphrased) “Get all the education you can... do everything in your power to put yourself in the best educational environment possible.” It was an answer to my prayer – the exact words that I needed to move forward and the confirmation of my decision.

Since then, each General Conference has seemed to fall around a time of tumult in my life. I'm moving or making major decisions, choosing majors, or just struggling in mortality. And so I define one of my personal questions or struggles and take it with me to Conference. I ask the Lord my question and I attend every session of Conference with laptop in hand, fully expecting that a large number of the talks will address some aspect of my life. And, amazingly, they do. Maybe it's because everyone is struggling with the exact same things in life that I do. Maybe it's because the Lord tunes my ears to hear the words and remember them. And maybe it's because going to Conference with a question means that I am listening to the Spirit as He helps me find the answer. Sometimes it seems that every talk is written for me – that the General Authorities must have re-written their talks in the middle of the night just to answer my questions. And then I realize how amazing the foreknowledge of the Lord is – He knew what I would need before I even asked... and inspired those men and women to write into their talks the things I would need in my life.

Does it work? I guess that's a matter of how you look at the fulfillment of prayers to God on a global basis. Let's take two examples. First, I pray to remember where I lost something important, or for help in finding an answer to a hard question. Immediately my mind is enlightened and I find what I was looking for. In this case it's easy to say that the Lord heard and answered my prayer. Second, I pray for it to rain. Two days later we have a massive rainstorm. Obviously, the rain “fulfilled” my prayer, but what was the effect of my request? Did it rain because I prayed? Or did it rain because it was already planned; I just happened to ask for rain at a time when rain was going to come anyway? From a doctrinal perspective, the scriptures teach that the Lord does hear and answer our prayers – even those that have far-reaching effects. And we've all heard the stories of people who have prayed for rain and whose prayers have been heard. On a personal level, I know that the Lord hears and answers my prayers. Once in Naples I was doing an exchange with another missionary and having an especially hard day, so I prayed for rain (for me, rain is a sign of God's love). Within moments, a few dozen droplets fell from the sky on my arms and head. The pavement was dry, the smog was still there, and my companion hadn't felt anything. Inside my mind there was a voice, “It rained. Be happy. I love you. Keep working.” Countless other times, the Lord has answered my prayers – even when doing so affects others around me.

I know that God really does hear and answer our prayers. And when we attend General Conference this next week with a prayer in our hearts, He will inspire our leaders to share words that will answer our prayers, open our hearts, and help us hear the things we need to hear. It's a miracle, there for the asking. Knock, and ye shall find. Ask, and ye shall receive. We simply need to ask, listen, write down our impressions, and actively seek the things we want to know. I know He will. Will General Conference answer a question that you've struggled with for years of your life? It has for me – multiple times. Or will it give you a piece of the puzzle – not the entire answer? That has happened too. Whatever happens, the answers you find will improve your perspective and enable you to make better decisions in your life.

So that is my invitation for you. Right now, make the commitment to attend General Conference with a question in mind. Ask before you go, and listen intently to the speakers and to the Spirit. I promise you that the Lord will hear and answer your prayer. He will speak to you through the mouth of His servants and you will know they are His servants. Then go out and share that knowledge with others. Go out and be missionaries!

Searching and researching

This week has been interesting, to say the very least. It started on Monday with working with new Italian missionaries at the Missionary Training Center. I volunteer each week and listen to them improve in their language and teaching skills... and some of the things I learn, I take back to my office where I help to write the MTC curriculum. Other things, I hope are just anomalies. This week I realized that missionaries need to better understand how to teach people about the influence of the Holy Ghost – how to recognize it, create a setting where it is present, and ultimately expect it. The sisters who taught me, after asking me how I felt, never really explained or put a name to what was happening. I have learned so much about the importance of the Holy Ghost – and how crucial it is to teach about it early – since my mission. The peace that accompanies learning truth is the witness of the Holy Ghost that what you are learning is true; that is incredibly important for understanding the peace that the Gospel brings! I hope that, somehow, we can help missionaries achieve some of those same insights during the short time they are trained here in Provo.

In the post-April housing search, we put in an offer on a house this week. It's a nice house in Orem near University Mall. If it goes through, it will be amazing. If not, then we'll keep looking. Whatever happens, the Lord will be involved.

Then the course-changing event. One of my cousins has Cystic Fibrosis and has been using an essential oil blend in a nebulizer as a daily breathing treatment. While he mentioned that it felt like it was working, we've been waiting with our fingers crossed to see what would happen when he had a pulmonary function test (the gold standard for following Cystic Fibrosis - CF)... and the test was this week. Result: he scored higher on this test than he did last time. Here's the reason why we were concerned: he had been using the essential oils in place of his normal mucous-thinning medication, and if we had gotten a negative result it may have easily smashed our hopes for trying to find something in essential oils to help treat CF. But it wasn't negative – it was positive – and that is enough to make me want to move forward.

In our initial test we tried to correct for everything from frequency of usage to exercise habits. But it was just one person, and while it was effective, I want to know if it is effective with a wider variety of people and a wider variety of severities. If it is effective, I want to make it available to more people... let them know about it... because CF is an awful disease and maybe this can do something to help it. That puts me in a unique situation. Traditional drug research methods are incredibly time-consuming and costly; designed to take a dozen years or more from the initial idea before they are available on the market to treat a given condition. Right now, clinical research studies require massive amounts of money, time, approval from the government before they can start, planning, staff, oversight, red tape... Which means that there is no way that any company will ever invest the millions of dollars it would take to do a study using essential oils – because it would never give a return. And the money from foundations like the Cystic Fibrosis Foundation, by going through traditional drug production methods, also takes years before it is available. Also, the way that clinical studies are currently designed, it would require even more costs to identify and outline exact essential oil dosage specifications – for example, listing every single chemical component in lemon oil, with exact specificity. How useful is that, when every time you grow another lemon, or even take another one off the tree, the lemon oil is going to have a slightly different ratio of components?

In the pharmaceutical industry, these massive barriers serve to protect us from unproven and dangerous medications – to keep our hopes up and ensure that no one can sell snake oil to the highest bidder. And they work on that regard. But essential oils and natural products, unlike novel drugs, are already available to normal consumers. They could, ostensibly, go to the store and purchase these products and use them with the intent to treat a given condition. And thousands of people do – that is the story of the 'dietary supplement' industry, from ginseng root to vitamin C. That's why I could give my cousin an essential oil blend, he could use it, and then report back to me the results of his experiment. Enter the trigger for my next thought: why not create a clinical trial method that would leverage the willingness of people to try new things added to the ease of obtaining those options... all guided and recorded using the internet? If ten thousand people signed up to take 500mg of vitamin C each day during the next winter and then to report on their flu and cold symptoms, that would be an impressive body of information (for or against using vitamin C as a flu preventative)... and one that would help finally put a piece of medical research into the hands of someone other than fully-funded pharmaceutical companies, hospitals, and universities. And maybe I could do that with CF.

So I'm doing it.

If I were a medical doctor, I could simply follow the normal, prescribed route (pun intended) – diagnose Cystic Fibrosis, prescribe a given study medication to treat that condition, interpret results, tabulate data, and report to the scientific community. But I'm not a doctor, so I can't. Simple solution: I won't diagnose, prescribe, or treat anything. I'll simply ask people with CF who have their own doctors, who have already been diagnosed, and who decide to try using essential oils to report on their condition. By just asking them to report and using a product that is already available on the market, I can avoid the red tape of clinical trials. Yes, it will mean that everyone will need to convince their doctors to let them try it. They would have to convince their doctors anyway. It might preclude my ability to get funding from organizations and associations, but it will cut costs by a gazillion dollars... and funding organizations have ultra-long time lines anyway. If I have an idea, I want to try it tomorrow – not submit it by September for approval by next June for funding for the year after that! And perhaps it will make it harder to make the results available to the scientific community. I'll contact a few current medical researchers to ask questions about that.

This week I'll start the process. I'll create a website branched from Nature's Fusions explaining the project with a sign up, information, and submission instructions for anyone who wants to be involved. Hopefully, the positive results we've had will prove to be useful in more situations... and we can improve lives of people with Cystic Fibrosis. I still have to be cautious about that... but I'm hopeful. And perhaps a new method of research – finding ways to empower consumers and turn the anecdotal into the scientific – could be the door to a new wave of health-conscious, consumer-led inquiry in medical science.

What finally pushed me was that even my scripture study and conversations with the Lord are in this same direction. I was reading my scriptures this morning and suddenly had a revelation – on alginate. Some CF patients have what are called mucoid infections of pseudomonas aeruginosa – where the bacteria creates a protective, gooey, sticky substance called alginate that is impermeable to water, air, and antibiotics (in the food industry, it's used as chewing gum). The thought/inspiration I had while reading Alma was that something simple was able to dissolve alginate. I looked it up and alginate (specifically, calcium alginate) is insoluble in water, ethanol, and organic solvents. That's why it creates a massive problem when it's in your lungs. But it slowly dissolves in a solution of sodium carbonate. You can buy sodium carbonate in the supermarket as washing soda, or make it by broiling baking soda. I don't know if breathing a solution of sodium carbonate would help patients with mucoid pseudomonas, but it's another direction to try... and I know that the Lord's revelation accurately pushed me toward that discovery, since baking soda is definitely a simple ingredient.

I'm not exactly sure what it is the Lord is trying to teach me right now, other than an intensive course in organic chemistry and medicine. Maybe it has to do with opening doors, improving lives, moving mountains and making a difference in the world. And maybe it simply has to do with listening and acting on the promptings I receive. Sometimes the Lord is quiet in our lives. And sometimes He prompts us to move forward – to do something we have never done before. That's where I am. But with God at our side, nothing is impossible. So try it. Dream the impossible dream. And then go out and share it with the world – go out and be missionaries!