Moving... and Keeping the Faith

Monday we spent a dozen hours researching the house we wanted to buy – researching Provo land codes, talking with structural engineers, learning everything we could, and setting up quotes with foundation repair firms. We learned that we could hire a structural engineer to diagram the repair work, then get quotes from foundation repair companies. That would significantly decrease our cost, since, without instructions from a structural engineer, the foundation repair companies used an extreme model – essentially putting the entire house on struts. It costs a few hundred dollars, but it’s definitely worth it, as we save thousands. We scheduled the structural inspection for Tuesday. 

But then, suddenly, Tuesday morning I didn’t feel well. It was the I-feel-sick-because-the-Lord-is-telling-me-not-to-do-something kind of feeling, and I had it bad. I knew that He was talking about the house… but why? Within a few hours, it was all clear. Have you ever tried to build a pile of dirt or sand by simply pouring it onto one spot? It grows higher, then, as the pile gets higher, it becomes unstable and sloughs off to the side, slowly becoming larger in diameter. The same thing is constantly happening with mountains – the top layers of soil are sloughing off, leaving the rock behind (hence why the tops of mountains often are sheer rock faces). That’s the story of the house we wanted to buy. It has foundation problems because it is on a slow-moving landslide. It is literally moving every year – both laterally and vertically – and moves more in wet years, if a pipe breaks, or if you water your lawn. Reinforcing the foundation won’t do much in the long run, since the entire mountain is moving. The slide has been moving for years, but the city didn’t know about it when the buildings were built. Buying a house that is not covered under insurance and that could fall down or split during a particularly wet spring isn’t the best idea. So it’s off. And we’re back to square one. But it’s for the best – the Lord kept us from making a poor choice and I now know more about foundation work, Provo city codes, and local geology than I even want to think about.

We moved this week into an apartment in Orem. Our roommate is a nineteen-year-old preparing to serve a mission. Thankfully, he was interested in learning about essential oils and suggested that we diffuse them in the apartment (there’s a lingering smell that won’t go away). He was attending UVU, but is working right now, saving money for a mission. His plans are to sell pest control in the summer. I’m thinking of recruiting him to work for Nature’s Fusions; we’ll see what happens there. Overall, he seems to be a good guy.

In the midst of everything happening, I’ve been thinking about finding another job – probably in place of the one I have at the MTC. I’ve spent the last year in the Development department and I’ve learned a lot. I’ve worked with the coordinating councils of the Church, seen documents start, go through Correlation, and then make an impact, and implemented massive changes in the world of missionary work. But, while our work coordinates global differences in the lives of missionaries and people all over the world, I feel a longing to be at the front. I want to be actively influencing people for the better – bringing them to an understanding of gospel principles, helping them to come closer to Christ. And my capacity at the MTC, as a sole team member with no one to talk to, doesn’t fit that need. I can’t quit right now (I’m probably not needed, but it would make things much harder for my team if I quit; there used to be 4 people in the position where only I am now), but over the next few months I’ll be looking. The only problem is that I’m not sure of a job that would afford me the abilities I want – so I can’t ask for it. I’ve thought of going to school eventually to become a doctor or a counselor, but I don’t know what to do now to make a difference. So I’m looking.

On Wednesday I thought, “Maybe it doesn’t have to be work; maybe it can be volunteering.” So I started volunteering with a group that helps people who struggle with depression. I feel like I’m making a difference there – one person at a time. I’m thinking about volunteering at the temple. And who knows? Maybe I’ll find a job that fits my needs to help people on a daily basis. Maybe I won’t, and so I’ll have to make sure that I am actively volunteering. I guess that may be ok, too.

My biggest concern this week, though, isn’t finding long-term housing or even a job. It’s that I have no clue what tomorrow will bring. I’ve made a dozen clear-cut decisions as to my future, but every time the Lord has pushed me back (in no uncertain terms). I’ve thought about moving for a job – even so far as to filling out applications for jobs overseas – but that didn’t feel right. I’ve pondered accepting the spots that have been offered to me at some schools, but that didn’t feel like the right choice, either. I’ve thought about just doing the same things I’m doing now, and that doesn’t feel right, and I’ve thought about changing… but all I can really see are shadows in front of me. So when I went to the temple this week, I asked for help. I asked for direction. And I asked for peace. 

In true loving fashion, the Lord didn’t give me a revelation of what would happen over the next few years. He told me to wait, and He took the time to remind me of a lesson I learned a long time ago… something that brought me peace. And that is enough. While standing there in the Celestial Room, He reminded me that there are only two requisites for feeling spiritual peace for the future. First, I need to know that God loves me and is involved in my life. Then I need to know that I am doing what is right. And, if I know those two things, then nothing else matters. There in the temple, I felt His love and His support. I have no clue what is happening in my life, but I know that God loves me. And I know that I am doing what I should be, right now, today. And, even though it’s hard to be so completely blind, that is enough. The Lord has promised me that He will bless me and take care of me, and that’s all I could ever hope for.

I look back at my life – at the things that I’ve done – and I wonder. I’ve been prompted to write books, perform in professional theater and act in movies, teach, write curriculum and design video games, start a business; where could the Lord be leading me? I have no idea. But that’s ok, because the Lord is my shepherd, and He leadeth me in the paths of righteousness for His name’s sake.

Sometimes the Lord gives us clear directions in life. Sometimes He expects us to make our own decisions. And sometimes He wants us to turn to Him, have faith in Him, and learn to do His will. But, whatever His goals for us in the short term, we can have peace. My invitation to you this week is to do the same thing I did – ask the Lord for guidance and direction. Ask Him for confirmation that He loves you, and that you are doing what is right. If you’re not doing what is right, then repent. Have faith and keep moving forward. He will bless you. I know that God loves us and is involved in our lives. If we do what is right, then He will guide us on the best path towards happiness and eternal life. Go out and be missionaries!

Raising your sights

We’re moving this week. Last Monday, after sending this letter, I got an anonymous tip from KSL.com on an apartment listed in the classifieds. The listing showed a small room for rent on a month-to-month basis. The room looked too small to fit both of us, but something about the circumstances made me want to call anyway. We called and learned that the room was too small, but the lister (a 19-year-old saving money to serve a mission) was living in a larger room in the same apartment and was willing to move. He had originally intended to live with his cousin in the master bedroom and rent out the smaller room, but his cousin pulled out – an incredible blessing for us. So we’ll help him move from one room to another (he’s on crutches), decide exactly what we’re going to take with us (and what will get stuffed in storage), and then move. A hundred thanks to our anonymous angels and everyone else for your support.

This week was a little scatterbrained. I probably spent 20 hours working on a website for Nature’s Fusions and finally have something I can live with (albeit temporarily) – www.naturesfusions.com. It’s not your normal website. I don’t do html very well yet, but my desktop publishing skills aren’t terrible. So, instead of putting all the information for the site online, the site links to a pdf document which is an online, interactive catalog. It’s totally functional – with shopping cart and all – just not very typical. I like to think it’s simple, sort of elegant, and functional. And at least it’s not an eyesore.

                Other than preparing to move, working with crazy deadlines at the MTC, and staring at pdf documents until 3 in the morning, we’re also looking at buying a home here in Provo. Yes – buying a home. I know that’s a major commitment, and a huge jump, but it feels like the right direction. And He has never led me wrong. And, again, it is amazing to see how the Lord has acted in our behalf over and over again. When we learned that we needed to move, I started looking for houses in the Provo area. I was looking for something super-small – anything with four walls and a roof and I would call it good. I finally settled with the absolute cheapest option – a hut at the bottom of the hill (literally – it is not really much more than a hut) that was on the market for about $60,000. It had only the land it was on, and was attached to another hut. The roof had fallen in, the door was off the hinge, and even though the listing said the water was ‘sanitary,’ I wondered if we would have to buy bottled for a little while. But hey – my brother has lived in Nicaragua and I’ve lived out of a suitcase. We just needed something. We went as far as talking with mortgage officers and contacting real estate agents here in the area to buy the house. But it wasn’t to be – the Lord intervened and the man who had listed the home declared bankruptcy – only days before we almost bought it. The house wouldn’t be even available for listing on the market for at least a few months. Divine intervention – you have to love it. The next choice – found by my brother – was a much larger home, but still within our price range. We went through all the routes and found, to our dismay, that it had been bought already. Sad day. The third option was a big house, too, but out of our price range (which, truthfully, means we have no good reason to be looking at massive houses in the first place) when we learned there was another offer on the table and it needed foundation work. So it looked like back to square one. Except that then I had a shock of thought – just offer to buy the second house from the guy who bought it as an investment property. Even paying more to him, it would still be the deal of the century – the largest house anyone in our family owns for less than anyone bought their home. At $17 per square foot, the equivalent would be buying a 2500 square foot home for $40,000 in a neighborhood where similar homes retail for eight to ten times the price. So we tried it. We called the real estate agent, told her we wanted to make an offer on the house her client had just bought, and he said he would be willing to accept it. We’ve already seen the house and it is massive, beautiful, and amazing. I’m hopeful that it will work out. There is definitely work to be done – foundation work to close a 1-inch crack in the basement, patching cracks in drywall, some flooring issues, but the “maximum” cost for foundation work according to the websites I’ve seen is about $30,000, and most say the high end is around $20,000. It could end up being more since the house is big. Other than the foundation, though, we can do much of the work ourselves. I’ve wanted another job anyway. And my brother had an idea – make it safe, then rent it out to single guys in exchange for work hours. We know dozens of guys who used to work in construction; some would jump at the opportunity for reduced rent in exchange for work they already know how to do. We would save money, they would save money, and the work would go faster. But we’ll need to buy the house first. It still may not work out. I’ll keep you posted.

                I think it’s interesting to see how the Lord so easily changes our focus and raises our sights. I was more than happy to pay for an overpriced, decrepit hut on the side of the road; instead, we may be buying a ridiculously priced mansion on the top of the mountain. I think that the Lord works that way with us in almost every situation. We have a vision of what we want to accomplish – what we want in life – and He intervenes. Tactfully, He informs us that our plans are not really up to par, and then shows us His vision – what He wants us to accomplish with our lives. And then He lets us choose. It can be a scary thing to see the Lord lay out a blueprint of what He wants you to accomplish. I’ve been wondering what I’ll be doing this summer – and this could be the answer. But as we follow His guidance and do what He asks, we will always be blessed.

I know that God lives. He loves us. He is actively involved in our lives… sometimes, so active that I stop and wonder. He really does care about us – about our families, about our dreams, our hopes, and our futures. He wants us to be happy, more than anything else in the world. And so I invite you to turn to Him and ask Him for advice. Give Him your plans – your goals, your visions, and your dreams, and ask Him for help to accomplish them. Maybe you’re better at making plans than I am – and He will help you to accomplish your goals. Most of the time in my life, however, the Lord lifts my sights and changes my visions… and teaches me something about who I am and who I might become someday. I think He’ll do the same for you. Then go out and be missionaries!

Learning in a different way

I’m amazed at how much the Lord is involved in my life. Recently I’ve felt that I need to make decisions for the summer, next year, and the next few years of my life. But I didn’t have the pieces to make those decisions. Last week I asked for some guidance; this week is what happened.

 

Tuesday night we learned that we need to move. The family we are living with asked us to leave by the end of the month. We’re not really sure what the circumstances are, but either way we need to move.

The next day was Wednesday; I left work at the MTC early to go to the BYU housing fair and work with my brother to find a new place to live. Hours later, we still hadn’t found anything that really fit our needs. Ideally, we would find somewhere where both my brother and I could live, where we wouldn’t have to sign a 12-month contract, where it doesn’t cost tons of money, and where we wouldn’t share ventilation with other people (so that we could fill essential oil orders – right now we have to do them outside). If we can’t find anything that fits, then we’ll have to scrap the last criterion and live anywhere. If any of you are aware of something in Provo/Orem/Springville/Utah valley that might match, I would love a lead.

By Wednesday night I realized that I was stressed. Normally things just roll off of me and I’m able to do whatever I need to get done. But when I’m over-stressed, everything in life seems to weigh heavily on me… pressing down and threatening to smash me. That’s when I get sick. When I’m stressed, I work out, give service, write & read my scriptures, or go play music… but it was ward temple night, so I went to the temple and asked for help. Cast thy burdens on the Lord. I am so grateful for the temple. I still have no clue how any of these things are going to be resolved. But I know that the Lord loves me, that I am doing His will, and that He is actively engaged in guiding my life to help me to become a better person. And that’s enough.

Wednesday wasn’t the end of the interventions in my life. I’ve been trying to date someone recently and realized that her not answering or returning phone calls was probably due to her lack of interest. I’m not too crushed; it just means that I need to find someone else to date.

Work at the MTC has been crazy; my coworker moved to the West Coast last week and suddenly every project in the department is mine. Literally. I have three bosses, and my work, while definitely making a difference in the missionary effort, is completely draining. Some days I leave work early just so I can get away from my desk and be somewhere else… not having to stare at an Excel spreadsheet anymore.

Add to that the feeling that I need to find a new job (in this job market?). Over the last few weeks I’ve started looking at options, but I have no clue what I want. There are so many open doors… and right now I haven’t had the time to talk with the Lord and search my soul for direction. Writing this letter was supposed to be my time, but I got home from a family dinner on Sunday, sat down, wrote less than a page, and then fell asleep on my keyboard. Praise to the Lord for President’s Day. Hopefully I can figure out a piece of my life.

The last piece of information this week was a letter from the graduate admissions department of BYU. It was in the mail Saturday and told me I had been declined admission to the MBA program. While that was somewhat confusing, since I had felt so strongly that I needed to attend business school, suddenly even more options were open. I could change jobs in Provo. I could throw myself into Nature’s Fusions. Or I could pick up, move anywhere in the world, and do anything at all. I could try to attend a different graduate school… but right now I’m not sure whether I would prefer a Masters, MBA, or an MD/PhD program.

There are so many doors open. I just don’t know which one to choose. I don’t know what I want at all – whether I want to stay in Provo, move somewhere else in Utah, somewhere else in the country, somewhere else in the world. I don’t know much of anything. But the one thing I do know is that I want to change the world, serve people, and learn as much as I can. Hopefully the Lord will give me guidance and I can figure out what to pray for as I talk with God today. But maybe I won’t… and I’ll have to make my own decisions, ask for confirmation and support, and have the faith that He will help me accomplish my goals.

Each of us has times when we are faced with open doors – times in our life when we can define who we want to be. Sometimes we can clearly see the path in front of us; other times there are so many good paths that it’s impossible to choose. But, in everything in life, the Lord is with us. He stands at our side, guiding and sustaining us in the choices that we make. And while He may not point us in the exact direction we should go, the principles of the Gospel ensure that we are moving in the right general vicinity. And we have the promise that He will never let us make a decision that will take us away from Him without letting us know in advance (hence all of my rejections recently). I’m grateful that He is involved in my life. Without that perspective, this week would have been absolutely terrible. With it, even though I have no clue where I’ll live in two weeks, what I’ll be doing for a job, or if it will ever be the right time to attend graduate school, I know it will all turn out alright. And someday I’ll be even better than my own plans could have ever made me.

I know that God lives and that He is involved in our lives. He cares about everything that we do and wants us to be happy. If we will simply follow His guidance and choose the right, everything will work out. My invitation to you is the same thing I’m going to do: look at your life and determine what you want. How do you want to change the world? What are your goals and dreams? Talk with the Lord. Tell Him your desires. Then listen, follow His promptings, and go forward with faith. Go out and be missionaries!

Learning at the Hand of the Lord

The Lord finds whole new ways to teach me with every passing week. I met with the head of recruiting at the BYU MBA program to talk about program requirements; she mentioned that the requirement to not have a job during your first year was very important. Before (and even after) our conversation I had mixed feelings about that. I only usually ask for exceptions to rules once I understand the rules, so I inquired and learned that all of the time is spent with teams - dedicated to teams - everything with teams. Anything that could take you away from your team is strictly prohibited. While that makes me wonder about time-consuming callings and the MBA program, I completely understand the need to create cohesive teams. It is a business management program, and managing a business normally means working with other people. At the same time, I don't see a problem with getting Nature's Fusions on its feet, delegating/hiring out most of the responsibility, and then being in the background during my (potentially nonexistent) free time. I haven't yet had an interview, so we'll see what the admissions staff has to say if and when that happens.

At work at the MTC, I just learned that a set of lessons I wrote have been appropriated by the Brethren. The lessons were originally designed for mission presidents in the field, but are now going to be used to train mission presidents as they come into the MTC. Wow. We put a ton of effort into those lessons, but I was surprised anyway by how quickly they had been approved. Before I started on the project, they had gone through dozens of drafts, complete rewrites, and back-to-the-drawingboard conversations. My job as a style editor was to take all the content, strip out individual voices, and put them together with similar formatting, words, activities, etc. As much as I'd like to say that I can write without a voice, stripping out individual voices normally meant just inserting my own in every line. One day I had given my supervisor yet another of what I thought was a polished draft for feedback from our superiors, then suddenly it had been approved by everyone up the line. Now I learn that the lessons are being slightly reworked by General Authorities who will use them in June. It's like writing an essay for your English class and then seeing it picked up by the Associated Press. No. Even more than that.

On the Nature's Fusions note, Monday I met with a midwife and put together a number of fusions for her to use in her practice. I called to follow up and she mentioned that the ones she had used were effective; her clients thought so, too. A cousin with Cystic Fibrosis has been willing to try out using some oils in his breathing treatments, and this week he mentioned that they were 'really powerful,' made him cough a lot (a good thing), and were getting deep into his lungs. Hopefully they will be a good complement to traditional CF therapy. And we met with a web designer to begin talking about creating a website on Thursday - I think it will be a good experience for everyone involved. In the interim, I've created an absolutely terrible website at NaturesFusions.com - right now it's simply a list of all the things we carry with links to buy them and a link to our order form. The prices are still great, and one side of the order form looks nice, but the website isn't especially professional yet. This week's project is to create a working sales brochure that explains each of our main offerings and gives references to both medical research and anecdotal/historical uses. I've also begun talking with a manufacturer to order diffusers; that should cut our costs for diffusers significantly. We're putting in the order sometime this week.

But, along with ups come opportunities for growth. We were filling bottles late one night and somehow one or more smells got into the ventilation system and woke up the family who lives upstairs. Most essential oils smell nice, but we were doing some of the more potent fusions that night. The people were not incredibly happy and asked us not to use aromatherapy in the house. That makes for some interesting developments, but we'll just have to make do - probably filling bottles outside so that the smell doesn't affect anyone. Then, later in the week after going through the process of getting a tax ID number and registering online, I decided to apply for a business credit card. I had no initial concerns, but the application came back within a minute with the judgment: denied. I normally hate making phone calls, but I'm learning to enjoy them and make them enjoyable for the people I call... so I called customer service and asked for an appeal. The representative was confused as to why the system would deny my application; he assured me I had great credit and sent it to a review board. Again, asking for an exception. Maybe I should write a book about that.

While I was enrolled in school, I was concerned that I wouldn't have an intense learning environment when I left. You don't really take classes in life, and many jobs don't require the level of learning that is required in a classroom. And since my passion in life is learning, I spent a full four years at BYU trying to stock up until attending graduate school. But, in the last year, I've learned that the Lord doesn't restrict intense educational environments to the university. He teaches us in the workplace, at home, in our studies, and with our families. I have learned more this past semester outside of school than I ever could have learned in it - because I am learning to listen to the best teacher in existence. Through it all, the Lord has been teaching me. He inspires me as I make decisions, allows me time to work through ideas, and gives me confirmation when I've made the right choices. He buoys me up when I feel like the world is on top of me, and helps me to do what is really important in life. There's no way I could do it without Him. And I guess I'll keep learning whatever lesson He announces as long as it comes. Organic chemistry & aromatherapy, non-aggressive sales & teaching techniques, finance, anatomy, and business management are the subjects right now, and this semester of my life has only started. Hopefully I can continue to learn at His hand... so that I can be a better servant in Zion.

Each of us goes through experiences in life that are unique to us. And each of us, no matter where we are, can have an intense learning environment if we simply turn to the Lord. The prophet Joseph explained that learning at the hand of God would give us knowledge greater than that found in any book or published journal... greater than the knowledge of all the experts of the world combined. Do we want that? Do we ask for it? Do we experience it as it applies to our everyday lives? The Lord is anxious to bless us; He only waits for us to ask Him and to learn at His hand. And as we learn from Him, we will grow in light for the rest of our lives. My invitation to you for this week: look at your life and determine what knowledge would help you to better fulfill your everyday tasks. What do you need to know? My generation turns to the Internet for the answer to every question. Other generations looked to textbooks, encyclopedias, or libraries. But the source of all truth can answer our questions... and He does. He can answer a question about the truth of the gospel as easily as a question about calculus or aromatherapy... and when we learn at His hand, we learn eternal truth. Ask for it, and He will answer. Then, with your knowledge of the truth, go out and be missionaries!

Opening Doors

There are times that I, walking slowly down the path of life, wish the Lord would give me guidance and direction – open a door or move a mountain or anything to help me know where I should go and what I should do. I'm like a 6-year-old with too much energy to stay in one spot, waiting for a door to open so I can just run through it. Eventually, the Lord gives me everything I've asked for and more than I expected. This week I watched as doors opened, mountains moved, and miracles happened everywhere around me. It's going to be a long run.

This week was crazy at work. We are going in a dozen directions with a dozen different projects... and I don't attend most of the meetings yet I'm involved in every single one. My one coworker is quitting in a few weeks and won't be replaced, which means that I may need to shoulder a somewhat larger load, and we have massive projects that could easily drain all of my time. But the amazing things had very little to do with my work at the MTC – it was my work outside the MTC where miracles happened.

I registered the web address NaturesFusions.com on Monday. It was a great deal and came with an Internet hosting package that looked like it would be easy to put together. But after hours of trying to build a shopping cart from one piece after another, I became somewhat discouraged. I realized that I lacked the skills to create exactly what I envisioned, I was constantly encountering problems, and reading online tutorials didn't seem to help the problem. I still had nothing to show for it – the site redirects to an “Under Construction” page. I was almost resigned to creating a website that didn't fit my ideal or having to learn a massive new skill set. So I prayed for help and put it temporarily on hold.

The next day, my brother, who was facing the same issues with another site, found a company that he thought might be able to solve our problem. Long story short, the owner of the web design company was originally not interested in the terms he offered. But after hearing about our business plan and vision (to offer high-quality, affordable natural healing products), he became very willing to help. The owner has very strong feelings on the subject – he is part of a national natural products board – and commented that his staff could easily create a site with all the functionality we need. Mountain moved. We have a meeting with him Thursday morning; we should be able to see if it will make financial sense to have his company create our site.

That same day, I got my hair cut by a student at a nearby hair academy. When the instructor came to check my hair, she casually asked me what I did. I ran down the list, stopping when she inquired about Nature's Fusions. She was suddenly very interested, related her own experiences with essential oils, asked for a catalog, and promised to be my customer. When she left I asked the student for an explanation; she simply told me that the instructor was very nice and that she was the owner of the academy. Door opened. That experience alerted me to the need to have something to give to people who were already placing orders. Enter the skill of desktop publishing – learned at home making fliers and refined at the MTC printing curriculum. 5 hours later, I had created a logo and the first draft of an order form. Major blessing.

Wednesday night I tackled the issue of formulating a few fusions to be both therapeutic and appealing. I chose the most difficult (in retrospect, I wonder why) - a fusion called “Chocolate” designed to ease women's pains. I had two goals. Make the fusion effective, and make it smell like chocolate. It seemed pretty simple at first – just put in all the therapeutic ingredients and then add some cacao and vanilla oils at the end. But the cacao oil smelled like cocoa powder, not chocolate, and the therapeutic oils were overwhelmingly floral – so much so that they drowned out every other smell. I realized that I had the knowledge to meet my first goal (efficacy), but I would have to become a perfumer to achieve the second.

Some research on Thursday revealed that cocoa butter could be the source of the smell we needed. More specifically, the smell comes from the antioxidants naturally present in cocoa butter. I probably could have asked my uncle who owns a chocolate factory, but I found the answer nonetheless. We purchased some cocoa butter and the search was over – it was our missing ingredient. Just one problem – cocoa butter is rock solid at room temperature. And if you add it to essential oils, the entire mixture eventually becomes rock solid and almost impossible to use. Formulating a natural mixture that smells like chocolate, has therapeutic value, and is easy to apply will require some research on my part in cosmetics manufacturing. I really don't have time to learn how to make cosmetics right now, as enthralling as that may be. It might be easier to make real chocolate and put the oils inside. In the interim, we'll change the name to Floral Bouquet or something similar, then maybe eventually have a set called Flowers and Chocolate. Problem solved.

Thursday and Friday I spent doing more research, then attended my great-aunt's funeral on Saturday. It was a beautiful service & I'm glad that she has moved on to the next stage of life. At the funeral I saw bunches of family members and realized that I could find ways to help people using my new business. With a bit of hesitation, I started making contacts. Lots of doors opened.

An aunt once told me that I should become a doctor. “You should do it,” she said, “so you can help find a cure for CF (cystic fibrosis).” I think I was 8 years old, and her comment ushered in a slew of conflicting feelings. At the time, I didn't know what I wanted to be, but I didn't want to be a doctor. I didn't feel like I should be a doctor. But I had multiple cousins who suffered from CF. I knew that without training in the medical field, I wouldn't discover something to help CF... and I felt that with medical training, I probably could. Years passed. Then a turn of events, a few opened doors, and suddenly I find myself deep in natural medicine. And I'm hopeful that I can find something that could help people – not only those with CF and other chronic illnesses, but everyone – to live healthier, more fulfilling lives.

I don't know exactly what the Lord has in store for me, or exactly what He wants me to accomplish while I'm here on this earth. Sometimes I think that I'm going to change the world of education. Sometimes I have no clue. And then sometimes I see His hand guiding me down unfamiliar paths that will change my life forever. The one thing I do know is that He is with me, guiding me, and that whatever He asks me to do, it is for a purpose. When I follow Him, doors will open and I will have the ability to bless the lives of others. At Institute recently, there was a quote on a handout by President Hinckley that said that when we actively strive to bless the lives of others, the Lord will open doors and cause us to prosper so that we can help them even more.

I know that God is an active part of our lives. Sometimes He encourages us to make our own decisions. And sometimes He intervenes, takes us by the hand, and allows us to run alongside Him in His work. I only hope that I will have the faith to keep up... or at least to ask for the strength to do so. As we strive to bless the lives of others, we can be sure that God will bless us for our efforts. So my invitation to you: look at your life and the things you do for others. Ask the Lord to bless you so that you can be a better servant. And ask what else you can do – what other blessings and opportunities He has in store that will bless you and the people you love. Then go out and share – go out and be missionaries!

Study in life and the gospel

This week feels like it has lasted a month. In a flurry, Monday's highlight was the arrival of my first shipment of supplies for Nature's Fusions – my new essential oil company. Tuesday through Thursday I was overwhelmed with projects at work, but by Friday I had finished most of my projects, as well as my application to the BYU MBA program. That night I auditioned for the Nauvoo pageant (the auditions went great; we have callbacks this week, so I'll let you know if I get called back). Saturday I went on a great riddle-scavenge- hunt-date that my brother made. Sunday was ward conference and home teaching, which meant that I was involved in Church activities for 13 ½ hours. And every spare moment I spent reading books on aromatherapy. Funny story: on Monday, after getting our oil shipment, I began unpacking the inventory. As I opened each box, I was greeted with a new mix of aromas. One smell was especially strong – and the culprit seemed to be garlic oil. I stuck it in a plastic bag and put it in a drawer to deal with later. After sorting the rest of the oils, I pulled the garlic back out and found that it was open and had leaked about a drop over the sides of the bottle. Most essential oils have nice smells. Some are stronger than others, but most are tolerable – especially if you only have one drop. Garlic, on the other hand, came with a warning on the purchase page – one or two drops could potentially fill an entire house with its pungent odor. That's what it did. Our room smelled of garlic, my clothes smelled of garlic, it got on my hands; everything smelled of garlic. Thankfully it wasn't permanent – it only lasted four days!

But with frustrations come more blessings. That first evening, my brother asked me for a fusion (oil blend) that would help him fall asleep at night, and another one that would help him wake up in the morning. After about an hour of research, I mixed an energy fusion for him called “The Toaster.” The name is based on a Garfield comic that he keeps near his bed back at home – Garfield is standing there with his eyes half closed, very obviously not wanting to be out of bed. “If we were meant to pop out of bed in the morning,” it reads, “we would all sleep in toasters.” I guess my brother feels the same way. I spent some more time researching oils for sleeping, put a few drops of oil in our diffuser, and we went to sleep.

I don't usually have trouble falling asleep, so I'm not sure if it helped us fall asleep faster, but the next morning both my brother and I were wide awake at 5:15 am. He never just wakes up early in the morning, so he commented that whatever had been in the diffuser had probably made a big difference. It happened again the next night, and the next. Since then, it has become our nightly diffusion.

My first order for a fusion outside of family was for a coworker who sometimes experiences painful back spasms. A few more hours of study and I had fusion for her that I thought might work. While home teaching last night, I noticed that a sister in my ward (who was just visiting the apartment) had broken her nose. She had a lot of congestion; when we got home we made an essential oil fusion and gave it to her at ward prayer. My brother came back from running this morning and asked what he could use on sore muscles. I mixed another fusion, he rubbed it on, and he didn't mention his soreness again.

My ability to mix an essential oil fusion that could potentially help someone didn't come overnight. Every spare moment for the past few weeks I've spent reading scientific literature, medical articles, websites, and everything else published on essential oils and their constituents. Clinical Aromatherapy by Jane Buckle. Advanced Aromatherapy by Kurt Schnaubelt. Hundreds of medical articles testing chemical constituents in petri dishes, then on rats, guinea pigs, rabbits, and people. Organic chemistry texts that explain the differences between and classify terpenes, phenols, ketones, aldehydes, alcohols, and oxides. I've learned about oil safety, useful applications, and run into a whole lot of pseudoscience.

My experience this week has felt akin to learning the principles of the gospel as a new convert. I know this may seem like a stretch, but it feels that way to me. When I first learned about aromatherapy, I was beyond skeptical. It looked, sounded, and smelled like something absolutely crazy... and, perhaps most of all, I wasn't comfortable with it because I didn't understand it. Many of the people I taught in the mission field felt the same way about the gospel – it was simply incomprehensible. When they saw its blessings in my life, they wanted to understand it, but it was like standing, thirsty, at the edge of a lake of knowledge with a straw. Where do you start? In the gospel and in aromatherapy, there are hundreds of basic principles. You could spend your life studying essential oil chemistry; many of us will spend our lives studying the gospel. The wealth of knowledge is staggering, and sorting it out into meaningful parts is tough no matter who you are. Each oil claimed to be useful for a hundred seemingly contradictory things... just as each gospel principle can apply to a number of different situations – if you know how to find and apply them. Applying the principles of the gospel into your life takes time, study, effort, and prayer. Learning anything else follows the same steps. An example: I remember meeting a family that had lost a family member on my mission – they were grieving and believed that they would never see their loved one again. We could have read any of a number of scriptures, but, in that situation, it makes sense to read about life after death, the Resurrection, and the importance of enduring to the end. But if I hadn't studied the Book of Mormon, if I weren't conversant in those terms, and if I couldn't find the applicable scriptures, then I wouldn't be able to use them for my benefit. In the same way, I learned about the potentially calming effects of monoterpene aldehydes, read medical articles comparing their strength, and then made a choice as to which ones to diffuse for my brother.

Each of us faces problems in mortality. And while essential oils, medications, and other interventions may be effective in physical, psychological, or emotional issues, the principles of the gospel are the only real solutions to spiritual trials and spiritual pain (and everything, in reality, is spiritual in nature). But principles of the gospel can't be easily applied without prior knowledge. It takes time, study, effort, and prayer to know how to best approach every situation. Without that knowledge, bringing up certain doctrines may make some situations temporarily worse. With that knowledge, we know that we have an answer that will bless the lives of others and bring them peace and joy.

I know that God is our Father. I know that Jesus is the Christ. And I know that as we seek to learn the principles of the gospel, the Lord will open up doors for us to bless the lives of others. I spent a few days reading about the bactericidal effects of essential oils on staph and MRSA – an antibiotic-resistant strain often called 'hospital staph.' Within days, my brother was diagnosed with staph and a good friend, who has gotten staph almost every time she goes to the hospital, underwent emergency surgery. You learn a principle of the gospel in the morning and that afternoon the Lord may prompt you to apply it to bless your life or the life of another of His children. My invitation to you is to spend time to learn more at the hand of the Lord. Read the scriptures. Pray. Read medical articles if you are so inclined. As you gain more knowledge, you make it possible for the Lord to use you to bless the lives of others in countless ways. I mean – that's what we do at the MTC, right? We teach missionaries the gospel, give them good study habits, instruct them in basic teaching skills, and then send them out into the world to be an influence for good. Go out and be missionaries!

The Strange Lessons I Learn...

Wow. So much has happened in a week. I finally finished unpacking
(well, at least enough to hide it under my bed) from the move last
night and collapsed in a heap. But it happened. Monday I had work,
packed, and went to FHE. Tuesday was the same, with ward council added
in. Wednesday and Thursday I spent every spare moment packing. Friday
I learned that my brother was going to St. George for a convention
until Saturday night, so I couldn't even go to work. For the next two
days straight I focused on moving (my date for Friday night was out of
town, and I was crazy stressed anyway). Add another major surgery for
a family friend, and my week could have easily been deemed terrible...
but where last week I was still stressed and sick, this week I feel
peace. Maybe it's added perspective that I gained last week and the
weeks preceding. Probably it's because my To Do list has only a few
more deadlines on it (graduate school applications, auditions for
Nauvoo, etc). Either way, I feel like life is great.

I had an interesting epiphany this last week between taping boxes.
It's a bit eccentric, and you probably knew this without having to
have divine revelation, but for me it's big.

I'm incredibly frugal, and (as most people) I project my own
personality on to others' decisions. If I think about it, I know that
most of the people around me don't flinch about going out to eat (fast
food included). They don't have massive internal struggles every time
they see people throw away food or anything else. And they don't do
all their day-to-day shopping in bulk or at thrift stores. I know why
I spend & save the way I do – with every dollar I spend, I wonder how
I could have used it better – what I could have done with that dollar
instead. And, after hearing stories and seeing the sacrifices of
others to gain the blessings of the gospel, there aren't many personal
expenditures that really seem necessary when I could save and somehow
bless the lives of others. While being frugal (if impulsively buying
things that are on amazing sales is being frugal) does run in the
family, I don't know of any who impulsively doesn't buy things.

I remember learning about the Law of Consecration when I was probably
8 years old... and knowing about the City of Enoch, the Church shortly
after the Savior's Resurrection, and the people in America following
His Ascension. In each of these scenarios, there was a different type
of society. People didn't work to “get ahead” or to earn money to
spend on frivolous things. Everything they did was dedicated to
building the kingdom. They worked hard in whatever they could do,
willingly gave what they had, took only what they needed, and were
happy, industrious, and there were no poor among them. In most cases,
the scriptures described them as the happiest people on earth. I
looked at my society, with its greed, corruption, and vice, and longed
for the opportunity to be part of a Zion community – to be able to
simply do my best, give it my all, and dedicate everything to the
building of the kingdom. I thought that simply allowing people that
chance would do it, so each night I prayed that the Lord would
reinstate the Law of Consecration. In my mind, that also meant the
abolishment of money, barter, or any form of currency. When you need
an apple, you just ask and the apple farmer willingly gives one to
you. And you do the same in return. Thus we would be free to work and
serve one another. I mean – that's the way that the human family was
originally created, right? I doubt that Adam paid his children for
working alongside him; it was simply expected that they would, just as
it was expected that he would take care of them.

The Lord responded to my prayer and explained that He would reinstate
the Law of Consecration in His own due time. But, He explained, I
could still live by its principles without the formal organization. So
I tried. On the giving side, I tried to spend my life volunteering.
Sometimes it worked. Other times, I would babysit for others and then
refuse to be paid. That confused people. Whenever I bought something
in behalf of someone else, I gave it as a gift. That was only a little
less confusing. Even at my present job at the MTC, I began as a
volunteer, happily working long days without pay. At the same time, I
lived a somewhat ascetic life. I only bought things that were
completely necessary and accepted money from others only when it was
necessary as well. While I'm incredibly happy with extreme frugality,
I've begun to realize that it may not be as scalable as I first
thought.

The thought itself actually came as I was trying to determine the
pricing structure for my new business. I had determined most of my
costs and was trying to figure out the right price based from a moral
perspective. Donating everything was my first thought, but that meant
that I would need to fund my endeavor with an alternate income stream.
I'm not terribly wealthy, so, barring massive donors, that would
definitely not be sustainable on a large scale. But providing
meaningful service to others without cost is a big tenet for me, so I
decided to accept part of that model – donate oils to people who
really needed them and couldn't afford them otherwise. The next
potential model was to simply charge my cost and donate my labor time
– sort of like doing service. That seemed like a more sustainable
approach, since I would end up recouping my actual dollar costs to put
into more inventory, and the initial investment would just be a
donation to the cause. But even that approach presented problems.
Being willing to rake your neighbor's leaves is one thing. But if a
thousand people call you to rake their leaves, you have a problem.
Also, if you work all day and sell a thousand products at cost, you
have no money to buy food.

And so I hit an impasse. I realized that I couldn't afford to charge
nothing for labor in a large, long-term business, but something inside
me pushed me to do just that. On the one hand, the business would have
to rely on outside funding & labor in perpetuity. On the other, it
wouldn't pass the regulations I had imposed on my own behavior. I
wondered what the answer would be under the Law of Consecration. The
first choice was obvious. If there is no monetary system, and you have
the assurance that as you work and give you will be able to receive
according to your needs, then it makes complete sense to donate
everything you can. The second choice – selling everything at cost –
is just as absurd as it is for a business in our society. If everyone
sold everything at cost, no one would be able to buy anything. And
that was the epiphany. In my mind, a Zion economy was the antithesis
of money. You give your all, the best that you can, and everyone else
does the same. Together you succeed, together you struggle. Together
you face every trial. There's no need for money. But the scriptures
don't say that the people of Zion did away with monetary systems. In
some cases, I know they didn't. Take the story of Ananias and
Sapphira. They lived under the Law of Consecration in the early
Christian Church and were condemned because they had withheld money
from the sale of a piece of land. More thought on the matter revealed
that, in the Doctrine and Covenants, the Lord gave tithing as an
eternal law... for those in service-related fields, paying tithing
without money can be very hard. And even an isolated, non-monetary
Zion would still need to interface with the outside world. We can't
just be self-sufficient and call it good, as the people of Enoch or
the Nephites in the time of Christ did.

And so my realization: The Law of Consecration does not have to mean
freely giving everything away and expecting the same in return. If you
live without a monetary system, in a society where everybody opts in
to abide by its precepts, that is great. But in our world, today,
consecration means dedicating everything you have (blessings, talents,
time, money, and everything else) to building the kingdom of God. And,
in a business model or anywhere else, that translates into working
hard, performing honest labor, and receiving fair compensation for
your efforts. The key word is fair. Then it means being willing to
share what you have with those in need, giving meaningful service, and
finding ways to bless others and build the kingdom.

And so I solved at least the first part of my moral dilemma. For my
business, I just need to determine what fair means and apply it to my
pricing structure. At least I'm closer. It also means that I don't
have to feel bad about being paid to work at my job at the MTC
anymore, as long as I am not being paid too much and as long as I am
working honestly. Most of all, though, the whole experience
demonstrates to me that the Lord is willing to help me come to a
better understanding of gospel principles any time I want to apply
them in my life.

Sometimes our experiences, and the lessons we learn from them, are
universal. We learn patience from undergoing trials. We learn love and
long-suffering through feeling pain. Sometimes our experiences, and
lessons, are completely unique – like coming to a better understanding
of the Law of Consecration while trying to apply gospel principles to
a business venture. Each of us can have the same experience in our own
lives, because each of us is engaged in the pursuit of perfection. The
principles of the gospel apply everywhere, in everything we are doing
in life, and the Lord has infinite things to teach us, if we are
willing to listen and to ask Him for advice. In my case, it helped me
better understand something I have wondered for most of my life. For
each of us, it will be the knowledge and wisdom the Lord knows we need
to progress, no matter where we may be.

I know that God loves us and wants to be involved in every part of our
lives. If we will let Him, He will give us guidance and direction in
every facet of mortality – opening our eyes to see the spiritual
significance behind the physical world. My invitation to you: look at
a mundane, worldly part of your life. Try to apply a gospel principle
to it – whether studying what the principle of “cleanliness is next to
godliness” really means as applies to your home or “be thou an example
of the believers” should be influencing your driving habits. As you
strive to better understand the gospel in context, I promise that the
Lord will teach you great things... and your testimony of those
principles will grow. Then go out and be missionaries!

For God so loved the world...

All the stress in my life built up and smashed into me this week. It started Tuesday when I was in a car accident trying to get to my carpool for Savior of the World. I slid off the road, smashed a mailbox, and bottomed out my car on a snowbank. I just wanted to push my car off the snow, but half a dozen people couldn't move it, and the people whose mailbox I smashed refused to allow anyone to pull my car out with a tow rope. They insisted that I call a tow truck. A few hours later I arrived at the performance, very shaken. I had missed half of the first act. Wednesday I read a chapter on stress management at work and took a “stressful events in life” assessment. The assessment assigned a value to life events in the past year, like the death of a family member or being in an accident, and then you added them up. Research showed that people with low scores (less than 150) had a lower tendency towards illness and injury. People with medium scores (150-300) had a greater tendency towards stress-related illness and major injury, and 80% of people with higher scores (over 300) would contract a major illness or have a major injury in the next year. I scored a 597. I think that means that I am officially stressed. Most of the time I don't notice stress until it completely knocks me over... and, even then, I don't like to admit it because it then insinuates that I'm inadequate. But knock me over it did, and I am definitely inadequate. Take moving, ending Savior of the World, finally getting to shave (glory to God!), sick family members, more stuff for graduate school... and I was exhausted. End of story: Saturday night, only hours after my family left for Chicago and Savior of the World was officially over, I woke up in the middle of the night nauseous and sore with a raging fever. I was shivering even wrapped in a blanket next to the fireplace. The next morning, I thought it would be a great opportunity to try using some essential oils. I got the nausea to go away, then took a shower and rubbed a few oils over my body to try to get rid of the ache. Four seconds later, my skin was on fire. Soap and water lessened the pain. And while the ache was much less, for the next 40 minutes I had hot, bright red hand prints covering my body. I learned something important: one drop of cinnamon is way too much.

As I've looked at my life recently, I think I've come to better understand the love of the Lord in my life. I used to think that I understood charity. To me, charity was simply the ability to see the divine potential in everyone. It entailed loving all people enough to never judge them, to never harbor a grudge, to forgive them and to treat all men equally. It meant dedicating your life to the betterment of each person in your life, and reaching out to invite others to come unto Christ. And it made sense. But now I realize that there is so much more.

During my growing-up years I struggled with a powerful dichotomy. I realized that I had been greatly blessed by the Lord in many things – from sports to music to school to church to family to everything else. According to the world, I had everything, and every reason to be successful, happy, and accomplished for the rest of my life. But, at the same time, I realized that everyone wasn't given the same talents and blessings I took for granted. A good example is a classmate in my AP classes who had a learning disability. She was incredibly dedicated and spent hours studying in order to remember information for a test, then had to take hours on a test because she had trouble distinguishing between fill-in-the-blank bubbles. I wondered: if God loves all His children equally, why does He bless us so unequally? Why does He bless one and allow another to suffer?

In my mind (and from what I could find in the scriptures), there were two options that would explain my problem. Either God didn't have the power to intervene, didn't care, or was unjust – which was definitely not an option – or those who were blessed were somehow better than everyone else. In the scriptures it explains that all blessings come from adherence to gospel principles... and the parable of the talents explains that the Lord gave each man talents “according to his ability.” But the thought that I was just more righteous in the premortal life, or had forebears who were incredibly righteous and prayed down blessings for me, etc. never sat well with me. It sounded too egotistical... and I struggled to understand it for years and years. I was like the apostles who asked the Lord what sin the man who was born blind (or his parents) had committed to merit such a state. They knew that blessings were given from faithfulness. But the Lord taught them a sublime truth – neither the man nor his parents had committed a sin to merit his condition. He had been born blind to fulfill the purposes of God.

Where I had gone wrong in my question was in my core principles. In the world, we believe that those who are talented, gifted, healthy, popular, and rich are the “blessed,” while those who are disabled, poor, hungry, and sick are experiencing trials. But, in the Lord's eyes, blessings and trials are exactly the same. Both are simply opportunities for us to grow, and He uses both indiscriminately in helping us to return to Him. It's sort of like following recipes in the kitchen. Some recipes are sweet, others are savory. One is not better than the other, but each requires a completely different experience.

Hence, God does not bless one righteous person more than another. If He did, He would become a respecter of persons, and God loves every one of His children. No. He simply blesses them with different things. So, then why does God allow bad things to happen to good people then? The answer is that He doesn't. God has promised us repeatedly in the scriptures that, if we are on the right path, all things shall give us experience and be for our good. All things. That includes experiencing the depths of depression, unspeakable pain, betrayal, as well as the pinnacle of success. Everything in life is designed to help us gain the perspective necessary to return to Father someday. God knew that it was essential that my classmate experience a learning disability in order to progress. I don't know why. But He, her Father and creator, did, and that is why He put her through the fire in that way.

God is in complete control of what happens on the earth. He is all-powerful and He cares about everything that happens in our lives. In fact, God has designed our lives individually – to suit our every need. The scriptures talk about the Lord being a silversmith and trying us by fire. And His love is all-encompassing – not only loving us enough to give us the sweet things in life, but loving us enough to give us the bitter. I look back on my life on things that were incredibly painful. I see my trials and my weaknesses – how easily I wander off the pathway to righteousness. But I also see that those same difficulties – the temptations that beset me, the pain I felt, and the process of turning to the Lord – have taught me things that have changed my life forever. I would have never learned those lessons without having those experiences. And I think that that is the true measure of charity. The Lord knows exactly what things in life we have to experience in order to gain the perspective necessary to return to Him. And He loves us so immensely that He sent us out of His perfect presence to a world full of hunger, war, disease, and pain. He could make the trees and flowers give fruit spontaneously. Instead, He teaches us the value of hard work. He could bind the devil and free us from temptation. Instead, He teaches us to turn to Him, repent, and keep His commandments. He could cure cancer, protect every innocent, abused child, and right every wrong. Instead, He teaches us forgiveness, unconditional love, and faith. God's love is present in all events in our lives, since charity is doing everything possible to enable men to achieve their eternal destiny. “And in nothing doth man offend God... save those who confess not his hand in all things.”

I feel like I love the people around me. I try to see others as children of God, to labor for their success, and to understand their circumstances. And, once, I thought that was enough – that truly wanting good things for others was the measure of charity. But the pure love of Christ extends far beyond wanting to bless others with good things. I see the blessings that have come from my sister having cancer, from the death of my grandmother, and from every other thing in life. I appreciate the experiences that others have had, and I am grateful that the Lord was willing to teach them. But I don't yet love them enough that I would be willing to light the fire of their refinement. God's love is doing anything to give us the wisdom and perspective to return to Him. I still have a lot to learn.

Each of us is on the road to coming closer to the Lord. Sometimes we may think that we completely understand a gospel principle... but, often, we have only understood a portion. As we turn to the Lord and ask Him to bless us, He will give us all the experiences (whether good or bad, painful or pleasant) to help us to become like Him. I know that He loves us that much. Go out and be missionaries!

Christmas and New Years Resolutions

New Years Resolution #1: Actually respond to emails in my inbox within one day, instead of just reading them, starring them, and feeling guilty about not responding for weeks at a time.

This week my family drove from Chicago to spend Christmas here in Utah. With Grandma gone, I'm not sure how many more Utah Christmases we will have. But they came out and it has been nice. One night, we decided to drive to see the lights at Thanksgiving Point and had a bit of screaming in the car. No one was very happy, and none of us were really in the mood to see Christmas lights. At that exact point in time, none of the radio stations were playing Christmas music to improve the mood, so I turned off the radio and began singing “Angels We Have Heard on High.” I'm not sure what I was thinking. I definitely was not in the mood to sing Christmas carols... but thankfully the Lord (who had probably given me the idea, or urged the instinct that was already there) knew what would happen. After only a few moments, each person in the car joined in the singing. Singing has a profound effect on my family; in just a few minutes everyone was cheerful, happy, and the Spirit of Christmas poured into our hearts. We had forgotten about the issues left only a few miles back on the road. When we arrived to the entrance of Thanksgiving Point and saw a line of cars that was at least an hour long, we put on our coats, turned on the heater, rolled down the windows, and sang our hearts out to the cars nearby. Doesn't everyone sing glorious four-part harmony to pass the time? I love my family.

New Years Resolution #2: Study (for the entire year) from a great teacher without cringing at the cost.

This week the Lord helped me confirm a few things I need to do. I've felt that I need to study voice again and I found a voice professor at BYU who is really interested in physics (means that he should be able to give me scientific explanations for vocal phenomena instead of gibberish), teaches a number of styles (which is important), is a baritone (a first – a teacher who actually shares my voice type), and served his mission in Italy (sugar-free icing on a healthy cake). A short email confirmed that he had spots available in his studio. But, most of all, it feels right. He helped to write a book called “Beautiful Singing” that talks about the physics behind vocal beauty. I only hope he doesn't end up having some major family catastrophe like has happened to most of my previous voice teachers. My next To Do is to apply to the BYU Marriott school of business for the MBA program. When I first realized that I wanted/was supposed to get an MBA, I tried to identify places where I could do interdisciplinary studies and have new resources and new contacts. But, in the time since my application to Stanford, I've realized that the Lord may be taking me in a completely different direction than the one I had envisioned. I wanted to go to Stanford because I wanted something that would pack a punch... but I'm not sure I really need it. The people who would have been wowed by Stanford can be wowed in other ways, and maybe I need to attend BYU again for the same reasons that I attended it in my undergraduate years – for the incredible ability to learn by the Spirit in the classrooms, to share the light with others, and the people who live there on the campus. The next deadline is in a few weeks; I'll go in to talk with someone this week to discuss what would be the best option. And we'll see what happens.

New Years Resolution #3: Pray daily for the opportunity to teach principles of the gospel and invite others to come unto Christ.

Most of my life I've been motivated by wanting to do what is best for the world. I loved music but, truthfully, didn't feel it was a good enough use of my talents. I thought about studying dozens of different subjects, but when I couldn't find something surpassingly noble in my study, I often opted out. I didn't really see it as self-sacrificing – I only really felt fulfilled when I was doing something that I knew would impact the world in some meaningful way. Finally I found what I wanted in teaching – what I felt was the noblest of all professions (and it helped that David O. McKay agreed in a quote on the building that bears his name). Why? Because teaching, from my perspective, was the only real way to right the wrongs I saw in society – to bridge the gap between the poor and the rich, the learned and the unlearned. It was the only way to stop wars, end famine, and fight disease. And it felt right. But as soon as I found it, the Lord revealed to me that my motivation to change the world, while definitely noble, wasn't really what I wanted. My motivation to teach was born from the belief that people who are poor have fewer blessings than those who are rich – and that those with less knowledge have fewer blessings than those with more – hence it was my moral responsibility to right the wrong and bridge the gap. Most people believe that in our world. But the purpose of life has nothing to do with wealth or material possessions. It has very little to do with most knowledge, and has little to do even with health, safety, or even survival. The purpose of life is to come to earth to be tested to see if we will do all things that the Lord our God commands us – something inherently rooted in our actions and in our wisdom. Hence the people who are better off in life are not those with better health, more material wealth, food on the table, clothes on their backs, peace in their nations, or anything else that 'plagues' (I would now say “distracts” instead) our world. The only thing that matters is a knowledge of the gospel and the conviction to live by its teachings. Hence, at least for me, the nobility of a profession isn't tied to how well it rights the wrongs of the world, but how well it enables you to share the gospel and invite others to come unto Christ. Suddenly being a clerk at a bank is a viable lifelong career – simply because of your ability to interface with people, share the gospel in words and by example, and help others to come closer to Christ and live happier, more fulfilling lives. I can understand why the Lord would say that all honest work is good in His sight – because, while He definitely cares what we do, ultimately, our work is to help others come unto Christ. That has changed my goals in life. I've always set my sights really high – to change the world in some massive way or another. And perhaps I will. It's still my goal. But, as I go forward with that goal, I'm able to see how I can change it, day by day, in much more important and lasting ways.

New Years Resolution #4: Find meaningful ways to use the money I save to bless those around me.

Most of you know that I'm extremely frugal. We'll leave the outrageous examples for another time. I save my money so that I can make a difference in the world... and so this week was incredible as I did something I've felt strongly about for a few months. My family started researching complementary medicine a few months ago when my sister was diagnosed with cancer. In subsequent months, I dove in as well and was overwhelmed by the sheer amount of misinformation, outrageous pricing, bogus claims, and dishonest business practices that I was immediately turned off. My family focused on essential oils and I was especially frustrated that almost every essential oil company seemed to be a multi-level marketing scheme... and many books were simply advertisements for those companies published under a different name. But then I started finding medical research studies, international communities that were willing to give clear and factual information, and real results in my family and friends. My sister's exercise-induced asthma, where she previously used two inhalers, is gone. A good family friend uses essential oils to successfully fight pain from massive surgeries and scar tissue. And I've used them in my own life. Last night I gave them to a fellow performer who couldn't breathe or sing. By his solo, his voice was soaring. And medical research is slowly moving in that direction. So I felt that I needed to share it with the world – and to make it more accessible, truthful, and convenient. I prayed for help, found honest international suppliers, and this week finally put in the order for my first round of inventory. I'm starting an essential oil company, focusing on high quality, low prices, and accurate, truthful information. Had you told me that I would be opening an aromatherapy business six months ago, I would have told you that you were crazy. But it feels like a good choice. I see it as a social investment; if I make no money and change a few lives, I'll be happy. And I've already seen the changes that it can make.

New Years Resolution #5: Write another book that teaches principles of the gospel by the end of the year. Also, find an illustrator for Ten Days Until Forever and a publisher for Watching Cookies in the Oven (and maybe the rest of the manuscripts, too).

Ultimately, the Christmas season is about Christ. I know that Christ is our Savior. He came to earth to live a perfect live, take our sins and struggles upon Him, and then finally rise in glory... so that we can rise as well. I know that He lives, that He is with us, no matter what has happened and no matter what we have done. His hands are outstretched over us and He has numbered our days. And while He feels our physical pains, His greatest desire is that we will understand the meaning of life – and find joy no matter what our circumstances. He will come again. Go out and be missionaries!

On Getting Older

I'm grateful I was born a few days before Christmas. It's one of the few times that I can cater to my minimalist self. I never have to schedule parties or come up with a list of things I want, since my birthday gets thrown into the mix. And Christmas and New Years are so much more involving that everyone has forgotten about me and can move on before long. At the same time, I'm grateful for a large family and lots of friends that make being a minimalist somewhat impossible. But mostly I'm grateful for the time that the holidays give me to think and to reflect. I look back on the past and can see so much change. A year ago I wrote about the realization that blessings and trials are the same in God's eyes. Two years ago, the Lord told me to write a book. Three years ago, I was a missionary in Florence. So much has happened - some good, some not-so-good; I've had more brushes with the adversary and more encounters with God, I've written books and composed songs, performed in plays and become a real, live physics teacher. And still, every time I feel like I understand life a little bit better, the Lord opens another door and I realize how clueless I really am.

We had our Christmas program at church today. I thought the entire program was amazing – from the choir numbers to the duets to the messages given by the speakers. Shortly after the program, though, I had to smile, as I was barraged with compliments. Long story short: the choir director had asked me to sing “I Wonder as I Wander” as a solo, a capella. From the nature of the comments, I think that many people who are uncomfortable performing without accompaniment think someone who isn't must be awesome. I'm a great singer; my voice is soothing; even without accompaniment it was perfect. Maybe I'm beginning to believe them. Maybe not. It's a lot more convenient to believe that compliments like that come from people who are caught up in the spirit of the moment, clueless, or very gracious. The other option – that they are sincere, aware, and knowledgeable of their statement – makes me uncomfortable. If I have a talent, the next step is massive internal reflection: What more should I be doing to share it with the world? Even though I'm in Savior of the World and two ward choirs, I could definitely be doing more.

I realize now that, for a long time, I didn't want to know what the Lord wanted me to do with performance. I wasn't willing to dedicate my life to it because I didn't feel it would make a big enough difference in the world. I thought it would be a selfish pursuit, and I had other important gifts to develop and use to build the kingdom. Afterwards, I realized that I was wrong to superimpose my own values as to what was important on God. Now? I've asked Him to help me determine the next step and I have conflicting feelings. I have a burning desire to throw myself into music performance – to take whatever steps are necessary to share my voice with the world. I would need to record a demo CD, network like crazy, find a great voice teacher, and ultimately spend more time and money than I've ever spent in my life. And the other emotion is... fear? Unwillingness? Wanting to simply wait? It must be fear, since it's hiding from me right now. I'm afraid of the ramifications if I succeed. And I'm afraid of the ramifications if I fail. If I succeed, I'm afraid it will ruin me. I've seen so many people who have been successful in their dreams and then turned away from God. I just want to be a faithful person and live a faithful life. If I fail, I'm afraid... I guess I'm really afraid of succeeding, not failure. I've come to realize that failure is a necessary part of learning which way to go in life. Failure isn't even a bad thing for me anymore. I didn't get into Stanford. Was it a failure? Maybe. It probably just means that Stanford wasn't the right direction for me. But success... success is different. It's wild and untamed. It's akin to finding an active volcano right before it erupts, then trying to balance on a rock as you are flung higher and higher into the air. I guess I'm also afraid of not being in control of my life. Either way, fears mean only one thing: I lack faith and need to trust in the Lord.

That opens up a world of questions for me... all the times I avoided doing something though I was good at it – what was the motivating factor then? But the Lord is telling me that those reflections aren't really important right now. Back on subject. I've found that explaining through my fears and looking at them has been the fundamental step in overcoming them. I'll try it now. Why am I afraid of going down an uncharted road – putting my life into God's hands? Because I want to be in control. I want to know what is happening and what comes next. And the telling question: which is more important to me – being in control of my life or allowing God to guide my ship? Something within me cries out, “This question isn't important. God would never ask me to surrender that.” But He already has. And this is the test. Is it really the right direction? Or will an angel stop me in the midst? It doesn't matter, because the choice that I make will have been made, and I will have proved myself one way or another. Being guided by the Lord is more important than being in control of the direction in my life. Wherever He calls me, whatever He asks me to do, whomever He asks me to be... and so my fear is gone. I know that He will guide me, direct me, and prepare the path before me.

As we grow towards perfection, each of us will encounter fear – gaps in our faith. At its heart, all fear (except maybe clinically diagnosed phobia) is a lack of faith. Sometimes it can be easier to live with fear than to face it and dive into its meaning – to search out what roots it to our lives. Maybe that's because, ultimately, overcoming our fears requires change. It may seem trite to say that a fear of heights or spiders comes from a lack of faith, but the same process through which I overcame my fear of losing control worked for my fear of the dark, of heights, of spiders, and of failure. God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of faith. And as we honestly address our fears, He will help us to overcome them... and even to make them into our greatest strengths.

I know that God is our Father. Ultimately, He will ask us to give up the things that are most important to us. Whether we act upon faith or fear is our choice. As we act in faith, He will bless and guide us, enabling us to grow beyond anything we could have accomplished alone. Go out and be missionaries!

Visions of Grandeur

Even after 5 years of writing, beginning this letter doesn't get any easier each week. I have to admit that I thought it would – the whole, “As you do something more, it becomes easier” motif – but beginning has always been awful. I often find myself sitting in front of the computer on Sunday night, wishing that it would write itself and forward me a copy... and then, half an hour into writing, I wonder what was wrong with me. At least the writing part, once I'm sitting down, awake, and can convince myself that I have a general direction, has become easier over the years.

I feel like Christmas has come in a whirlwind of snow. Monday the MTC had a part-time staff member Christmas party at work; Tuesday was the ¾ and full-time meeting (since I'm ¾-time, I attended both); Friday was our department Christmas party/staff meeting. Friday we also had a ward Christmas party with gingerbread house competitions (my brother and I won with a gingerbread castle complete with turrets). Last Sunday I attended the First Presidency Christmas Devotional and on Saturday I went to the Mormon Tabernacle Choir Christmas concert. Then Sunday was the Christmas program in my morning ward, and the same ward participated in a musical fireside last night. The snow began early in the week, and by Saturday was coming down hard enough that I almost didn't make it up the hill driving home. Out shoveling the driveway, I envisioned a new kind of snow removal system that melts snow instead of moving it. Someday, when I have a massive laboratory, I'll be able to create the dozens of inventions that have appeared in my head over the years.

Christmas had brought with it a slew of life-changing decisions to make, and I'm still stuck on the most basic. I've been struggling to understand what I'm supposed to be accomplishing right now in my life – which will affect all the rest. My original goal was to attend graduate school immediately after BYU, but as I've applied to programs the Lord has shown me how they didn't really fit my needs. I realize now that part of the desire to attend graduate school was to simply postpone making important decisions (like, exactly what should I do in life?). I've already had almost every job I've ever wanted, and while each of them has been compelling in one way or another, none feels completely right. I could imagine myself as a baker – creating healthy recipes and sharing them with others, a game designer – creating new methodologies and designing norms to fix the world of interactive games, a curriculum writer – finding ways to help teachers create an interactive environment to meet the needs of each of their students, or a performer, a high school teacher, or an educational consultant. But experiencing each of my dream jobs has only led me to realize that none of them really fit my dreams... and to wonder if I will ever find anything that will. The realization that I had this week – one that made me very uncomfortable – was that perhaps I was looking in the wrong direction. Maybe the Lord never intended for me to go to graduate school. Maybe I simply need to be a normal person, living a normal life, without anything to make me stand out from the crowd. This had never crossed my mind, and it seemed to threaten my greatest desire – to constantly be learning. Would I be willing to give that up? Am I willing to give that up to build the kingdom?

I don't think that the Lord will actually ask me to not go to graduate school or to redirect my passion for learning. But I realized that the direction I've taken isn't necessarily the right direction for everyone. People can be successful, and happy, without taking tons of classes. They can be happy doing something completely different, whether it's product sales or working at fast food restaurants or simply raising animals. I've known that – people can learn to be happy in any situation – realizing that they wouldn't be happy doing what makes me shine was the shock. Drawing a parallel to the “white man's burden,” looking at Western society, we want to make people happy by teaching them our language, giving them our technology, and having them experience life as we experience it. But maybe those experiences wouldn't lead to happiness... because the individuals find greater joy doing what they are already doing.

I could live with that. But there was something else in my mind that was still irking me. After some thought, I realized that one of my measures of success in life was knowledge – and not just knowledge about the gospel, but knowledge about the world. In my mind, people with more knowledge were more successful (and hence, more happy) in that arena of life. The realization that people could be happy, follow the prophet, have joy, live fulfilling lives, inherit eternal glory, and not understand a minutia of computer science was foreign to me (however absurd it seems writing it right now). He who achieves a greater level of intelligence in this life has that much of an advantage in the world to come, right? While the scripture is true, its application is much broader than simply relating to our worldly happiness. In fact, knowledge isn't what makes you happy – it's integrity – the faithful and righteous application of that knowledge. People can be happy and successful as long as they have integrity, no matter where they are on the path of knowledge.

When I widened my vision of success, it didn't really help me better understand my future direction in life. To the contrary, it opened a thousand doors I had never contemplated entering. But it also helped me realize how motivations work in helping us make decisions in school, in work, in life. My greatest motivations are to learn and to serve. If I'm not learning or helping in some meaningful way, I am absolutely miserable... and understanding the things that make people happy – the motivations that move them to make choices in their lives – begins with understanding their core desires. Maybe understanding myself comes in the same way. In my patriarchal blessing, there is one line that talks about my future professional course: As you select your vocation in life, you will be able to set and accomplish goals that will prepare you to study and to recall the knowledge and truths of the world. After 10 years of trying to decode that statement, I've realized only that my future vocation, whatever I end up choosing, should involve continual learning and remembering/applying that knowledge. That doesn't close any doors, either. Whatever.

Ultimately, peace and happiness in life come from God when we live according to the knowledge we have been given. For much of my life, I've been concerned with determining exactly how much knowledge I needed to acquire to be a faithful servant in the kingdom – a masters? A PhD? Multiple post-docs? What the Lord has been trying to teach me is that happiness doesn't come when we have acquired great knowledge, but when we have applied the things that we know to be true. When we study the scriptures daily, repent of our sins, attend the temple, attend Church meetings, keep the commandments, give meaningful service to others, and put our lives in the hand of the Lord. We can, and will, be happy when we follow that simple outline. Does it make choosing my vocation any easier? No. But at least it gives me the assurance that, even if I don't make the right choice initially, I can still be happy on the road. I guess that's what life is – walking on the road to perfection, making some good choices and many not-so-good choices, and learning all the while to look to God, move forward, and be happy. Go out and be missionaries!

For Thy Good

This was supposed to be the last week that Stanford sent out interview invitations. If you don't get an interview, you won't be accepted. I was never invited to interview. I'm okay with that. I mean, the Lord prompted me to apply to Stanford – not necessarily to attend – and the application process itself revealed things I hadn't known about myself. If I think about it, I have dualistic thoughts. On one hand, it's easy to think that I just wasn't good enough – perhaps something in my application was critically flawed. And then I think back on many of the other experiences I've had – times when I wanted something and it didn't happen. In every case, the Lord knew my needs and loved me enough to make sure that I went in the right direction – even if it meant closing (and barring) doors. No matter the intermediary causes, the end result of my life is in the Lord's hands.

I wish I could see far into the future – to see my pathway and the struggles in my life – and the ultimate deliverance from each of them. I'm still totally lost as to my end vocation in life – and perhaps even more lost than I thought before possible. I guess being lost is one of my gifts – being willing to follow the Lord wherever He leads me, even if I have no clue where we are going. Someday I'll understand.

While my professional goals became more vague this last week, at least one of my other goals became more clear. It began when I saw BYU's performance of Children of Eden this week – a musical by the writer who also wrote Wicked. It was well done; the actors were good; the singing was good... but when I compared it to Savior of the World (which was inevitable) it was completely lacking in anything worthwhile. Children of Eden is fun; Savior of the World is sublime. Savior of the World leaves the actors and the audience in tears – waiting for the return of the Savior; Children of Eden left me with a pit in my stomach and gratitude for the message of the gospel. And, in the contrast, the Lord answered my prayer. I had asked Him what He wanted me to do with performance in the future – whether I needed to throw myself into it wholeheartedly or to do something else. Having performed in Savior of the World... and seeing how deeply the Spirit can be integrated into a performance, I don't want to go back. Wednesday night, at Children of Eden, was one of the first times that not only did I not feel guilty at a performance, I didn't even want to be on stage... and so I've feel good (at least for now – the Lord often encourages me to change directions... but this is my current lifelong decision) auditioning for every Church production possible and not worrying about anything else. That means that my next audition will be for the core cast of the Nauvoo pageant. Auditions are mid-January, practices are at the end of June, and the pageant runs during the month of July. We'll see what happens.

I didn't take the time to give thanks last week for Thanksgiving, so I'll do it here. I'm grateful that the Lord is so intimately involved in my life. I'm grateful that He inspired me to be in Savior of the World, to work at the MTC, to teach part-time at a home school academy. I'm grateful for the ability to attend two completely different wards each Sunday, for my callings and friends in each ward, and for my leaders. I'm grateful for a loving, supportive family who expects the best from me... and I'm grateful for the Savior in my life – for missionary opportunities and time for reflection, for the snow and for the wind and the rain.

Here's a thought for each of you: Someday I am going to compile a book called “For Thy Good” - it will be a book based on the anonymous stories of people who have experienced the worst of life's trials in life... and how they ultimately learned to appreciate and give thanks to the Lord for the lessons He taught them through those trials – how they learned to see their trials, temptations, and everything else as blessings for their good.

Looking back on my own life, there are things so painful that I've never shared them with anyone. But the lessons I have learned from those experiences have made me who I am today... and though I wouldn't wish them on anyone, I am grateful that the Lord loved me enough to design them just for me. I know now that I needed the lessons that I learned. If I had had even a glimpse of the potential blessings in my pain, however, I think it would have helped me gain a better perspective – to have greater hope. 

 

Today I look around me and see people all around me with trials. My greatest desire is to share the perspective I have gained... and to help others share the blessings they have received. Just knowing that it is possible to overcome the hardest things in life – and to truly believe that they are blessings – is an incredible message of hope to anyone in pain. Think of the hardest things you have ever experienced. If you (even with pain) can honestly see blessings that have changed your life for the better – to the point that you are grateful for them – that's the kind of experience I want to share. How did you get to that point? I haven't started asking for stories, but I would love to hear your comments & thoughts.

As life progresses, each of us slowly come to realize our many purposes in life. Sometimes our visions seem to cloud as the Lord gives us new directions... and sometimes we are able to see incredible vistas where everything makes sense. Our trials, pains, and sorrows, as we turn to the Lord, can be changed into joy. I know that the Lord is with us; He wants us to be happy and He designed our lives so that we could learn to be happy. Go out and be missionaries!