Peace

A week ago I wanted to quit my job at the MTC. I wanted it more than almost anything in the world. I felt like I wasn’t accomplishing anything, I wasn’t going to be accomplishing anything, and I didn’t really matter. My managers could hire anyone else to do the job and, while it would be inconvenient to train new employees, they could do it just as well… and work would move on. Simultaneously, I wondered (and stressed) about decisions with Nature’s Fusions. I wondered if I should continue teaching part-time, and what subject to teach. I wondered about which institute class to attend. I wondered if I should apply for medical schools, business schools, graduate schools, or any schools, for 2011. I wondered if I should be a temple worker. I wondered if I should stay in Utah or move to Chicago or just pick up everything and run away to Italy or China.

The only reason why I didn’t quit was that, just as clearly as I felt I wanted to quit, the Lord made it very clear that I was not supposed to. He simply told me to wait. So I waited. And then this week happened, and again I am left praising Him for His goodness and mercy. 

One of my mentors suggested that I talk with my supervisors about my concerns at work. I did, and they promptly gave me new responsibilities, freeing me from the one (which has consumed my life these past few weeks) that made my brain ache. I also learned about a project that is due in only a few months… the kind of project where I can be an active part and make a difference. And there was talk about making the office a more people-friendly place – moving workstations to be closer as a team, helping one another on diverse projects, turning on music in the office. All it took was some patience (for the new project) and action – asking for help.

I had wanted to attend some upcoming expos for Nature's Fusions – the Home & Garden Expo, the Women’s Expo… but, after looking at the cost involved, it doesn’t really make sense for us. Not only is there the cost for entering the exhibition, but also creating a booth, covering the floor, having giveaways and promotions, paying extra for electricity, and sometimes paying a premium to make sales. Total that up, and it’s much more than I really want to pay for advertising. And my brother-business partner is out of town during every Expo we wanted to attend. I could go alone or find someone else, but I’ve decided to simply spend less. It’s coming from my bank account, anyway. We’ll keep looking – and if we find an Expo with a much smaller entrance fee then maybe we’ll go. In the meantime, we are moving forward.

I decided to keep teaching part-time in Draper – this time, a mix of different science disciplines based on what students what to learn and what I want to teach. Some of my students are already excited at the prospect of learning about ‘anything’ in the world of science. It’s really an open door… and if they choose something I don’t know, then I guess it will be a good learning experience for me, too. Hopefully there will be a bunch of students (and parents) interested in the concept.

And all the rest of my decisions are as of yet unmade or un-makeable. I don’t know where I’ll be living after the end of April. I don’t know what my plans are for graduate school. I don’t even know which institute class I’ll attend this week. But there is something I do know. The Lord is my shepherd; no want shall I know. 

My mind is strangely calm right now. I can’t really see forward, and yet, for some odd reason, I don’t really feel the need to see it. I’m not sure what’s going to happen tomorrow, but I’m not concerned. Just days ago I wished I had a more clear direction… and now I’m ok that I don’t even know which way I’m going. I am suddenly aware and yet alright with ambiguity in life – ok with not knowing exactly where I am or where I am going, because I am not alone. I’ve always been afraid of being lost… and yet, something deep within me leaves me with a sense of profound peace… peace because I can face anything, even the amorphous mass that is around me… peace because at my side I have a God who cares about me… peace because I know that, if I am doing all I can, that, combined with His power, will be enough to assure me eternal happiness.

That’s really all there is to life. Do your best, keep the commandments, and rely on the Lord. And then everything will work out for the best. There will definitely be bumps in the road, shadows and darkness to overcome, mountains to climb and rivers to cross. But, with Him at our side, we will always come out victorious. I know that God is involved in the details of our lives. I know that He cares about us. And I know that, if we will turn to Him and follow in His ways, He will ultimately lead us beside quiet waters and give us rest for our souls. We will be happy – here and in eternity. Have faith, and believe! Go out and be missionaries!